Courtney S. Barr

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Monday, September 3, 2007

Found: Lost Part of Me...

Funny how I began the summer with wonderings of where parts of me had disappeared to, when dreams had been left to dissolve, and how to revive parts of my life. Deep stuff for a 26 year old female, but 26 is really not that young nor that old; so contemplation of this has been a growth. I end the summer no longer empty, wondering about that girl. My sanctuary has always been with me, been a part of me, only I tended to push it aside. This past weekend I went to Atlanta to my sister's new home. A beautiul sprawling house, that will already has begun to have that 'home warmth'. Her daughters wanted some murals on their walls. Something girly, princess themed, fantastical that they can look at and dream. A wall that is the beginning of their own inner sanctuaries. How excited I was to go. More than I probably allowed myself to express. Not only is my wonderful sister only 3 hours away now, but I also was getting to be creative again, to create something that will touch someone else with my own hands & mind. Not to mention kids are great to work for, they are enthralled with almost everything you do, things they are so impressed with others might shrug their shoulders at, so praise was plentiful. The girls had picked out a castle (kind of my little pony meets cinderella castle) & a horse with carriage among any backdrop.

Around 7 a.m. Eastern on Saturday, I begin to sketch. It feels overwhelmingly good to just draw on such a large blank canvas. I get into a groove with my iPod blaring Colbie Caillat & Louis Armstrong and within an hour it is drawn to my liking. I stood back & smiled. Pure contentment with what I have created as a first layer. A drawing around 5.5 feet by 6 feet was high on the wall (my sister is putting these shelving cubbies below it so I did it from mid wall up) Now if any of you know me, you may not know that painting is something I have never been in love with. I LOVE to sketch & ink, but painting... well it is my trial. Though I love to work through the trial, it can be very aggrivating in that I criticize myself so hard. I knew that getting this done, really completed in 24 hours was insane, but possible. I also knew that not allowing myself more time meant more acceptance of some things just as is on my part. I could not spend 6 hours on background & layering, my main focal areas needed to be completed.

By noon I was beginning to paint. Lunch was nicely brought upstairs & by 5 p.m. my feet felt like I had walked a marathon on top of sharp rocks. We decided to at least run out for dinner (Mexican) so I could get out of the house, plus the kitchen is still being unpacked. So out we went for about 1.5 hours. by 7:45 p.m I was back to painting. Around 1 a.m. I stopped went to the basement with Nina & watched HGTV until 3 a.m. Then Nina went to bed & I painted until 5 a.m. Slept until 8:30 a.m. & was back up & painting until 12:45 p.m. on Sunday. Then I was finished. Throughout all of this, Nina very graciously learned how to paint trees, waterfalls, & rainbows. This learning experience for her, was so helpful to me. Had she not been there to help with some of the background, I would never have been able to finish. Not only that, I enjoyed her company quite a bit. This whole mess of time, lack of sleep, creative accomplishment hit me like a ton of bricks. THIS is what I miss. THIS is what I used to feel such pride in. THIS is the gift I was given, why have I sat it aside as though it were a nuisance? Not any more.

So I found her. That girl who loves to draw, paint, write, to create & see expressions, to believe that the pencil will translate what the mind has envisioned. She is here, she is back, & for the first time in a long time, she is the priority. Thank you Nina. You gave me a gift, you opened a door, & I actually took the step. Now I just need to get into the foyer and continue through this house of myself that I am rediscovering. It is like an antebellum home that has been boarded up & just needs a little time, effort, TLC, and to be believed in, to see its potential.

Here are the pics...


  1. You are so coming to my house and helping my do Isabel's room.. Here's is much less involved but then I can paint with you! You are amazing. For sure when we do the playroom you are coming...and the pooltable room...and my craft room...and ........
    love ya
    I'm sure Nina's girls will be showing this to their friends forever! They'll be the envy of all their friends.

  2. I forgot to tell you that I'm glad you found yourself...I always knew where you were, you could have just asked me...
    New pics of Izzy are posted!


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