Courtney S. Barr

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Monday, March 16, 2015

Our Desires & Goals are Shaping Up

It’s never easy reaching for something that you desire so desperately, especially when you are just beginning to understand that desire…

No process, no journey is without bumps. Some bumps appear to set you back, to take you further from your goal but I’m learning that there is no ‘further from our goal’. God is not arbitrarily extending the time it takes for us to grow our family. He has perfect timing. He knows our needs and He is already worked them out. We have held two fundraisers, attended a festival as a vendor, had an art gallery showing and have been saving, building and creating towards the child He has picked out for us – all just under 11 months.

Every bit of baby “B” raising/saving goes into the costs of the process. I had someone recently ask where are the monies going, how much have we raised, how does it get separated out, aren't we further along in the process, how it works…at first I was taken aback, not understanding their tone – "Where do you think it goes?" Was the answer I started to reply, but then I remembered…almost one year ago, I had similar questions. We did not know a lot about this process when it all started. We just knew we wanted a baby, a child, a person to add to our hearts – because somehow, some way, God makes us capable of loving in great amounts – He takes what seems to be a little part of us and shows us what a true infinity means, we can love with great intent. So I took a breath, and I answered the question, truthfully, technically and spiritually. 

All of our fundraising monies goes to the fund that will, and already has some amounts paid to our agency (our home study fees, medical fees, profile fees and application fees to start with). The total contract is around $36,000.00 when everything is said and done. There is a variable – court costs can vary, travel costs can vary, possible medical fees for the child/birthmother can vary – but all in all that is our fiscal goal. This goal is important. In this world, money is needed to exchange hands, no matter how you enter this process (government or private) there will be a number you will have to raise/save. We understand that and put emphasis on its importance, yet I’m seeing that the numbers are there to draw us in, to focus us, He uses this so that we have a tangible. He knows that as humans, we look for the tangible, but He desires for us to see the other goal…

Our real goal, the one that will change our lives, change his/her life, maybe even change yours, is something that has no numeric – it is a heart, infinite in its power and beautiful in all aspects. We hope to have a heart like our savior. It is our end goal, this process; this adoption is because He called us to be here today. He laid out the groundwork, He saw the path and He placed the desire in our hearts. We never knew how desperately this desire would feel, but I felt it when I was asked the tangible question – I was defensive, but not of the context of the question – more of my emotions. Then, as I said, I remembered being uneducated in the ways of the process, being curious and skeptical of the way it is all done…then…I answered. It was truthful, full of numbers, dates, and the fact that it all goes towards the contract with the agency – none of it comes back to us, none of it will be sitting there waiting for baby girl/boy when they come home – but we are okay with that.  They tell you to get your friends/family involved – this is, for us especially, our “pregnancy period”. I love that my children will have a village who not only asked the odd question, asked about artwork, asked about buying raffle tickets, buying cooking utensils or just asked for any form of an update purely because they are excited to meet our child, that they are anxious to meet our child – what a beautiful ‘family’ he/she already has & no one has even been introduced yet. We are so grateful for every monetary donation but even more so we are beyond the limits of gratefulness for the support, love and prayers of each & every one of you. That is the intangible and it fills my soul knowing that my answer might have helped someone see the process as daunting but possible – meaning they may one day start their own or share the information with someone too scared to ask…what a gift He has shown me that this process can provide. I am grateful for every day that this desire grows...

Be truly glad, there is wonderful Joy ahead… 1 Peter 1:6

And so it was…that she, having waited long & endured patiently realized and obtained what God had promised. Hebrews 6:15