Tuesday, December 13, 2016
The last time I posted it was a mere 3 days prior to the birth of our daughter. Yes, our beautiful, perfect, lovely, cherished, adored and fabulously fun daughter.
We asked for prayer. You delivered.
We asked for faith. You delivered.
We asked for peace. He delivered
We asked for blessings. He delivered.
We are still reeling, still jolted awake in moments of disbelief and humility. God delivers, every time.
She was not in the package we imagined. She was not from the state we thought she would be.
She was not anything that we thought she would be...she is more. He never short changes our blessings. He never skimps on His miracles. Even in the seemingly mundane He produces magical results.
Because you are a part of this story, we wanted to give you the details...so here is Part 1
As some of you now know, on 10/7/16 we were contacted by a cousin* of my mother. She knew of a young couple who were pregnant and were discussing placement of their child. She knew this because her husband was cousins to the birthmother.
(* this lovely cousin of ours, she and I had connected months before. Her family was going through a tough season of loss and well, honestly, M and I had so many rejections during 2015 and the beginning of 2016 that when me and our cousin met up we just gave each other exactly what we needed: sounding boards of faith and support. Little did we know the things that God had already set in motion, the behind the curtain plotline that God knew so well)
So she had known that this couple was pregnant, but in God's beautiful timing, He had not yet laid it on her heart to even mention us. She was just doing as He asks and praying for them. Then around month 7-8 she heard more of their discussions were seriously leaning towards placement. It was in the end of September only a week or two before she ever spoke to us that the Holy Spirit whispered to her 3 little words: I know someone. As this couple, this family of her husbands were all seeking guidance, seeking the hows the whens the whos of what they might do for this beautiful child that they love so much...He whispered, she listened, then she spoke.
We, by the way, have no idea of any of this. It is scenes of our life that He had orchestrated, He had designed for us to not know until exactly the moment He knew we were ready. I had just told a close friend that her words of encouragement were now my mantra. For 7 days I spoke these words every day, I cried them out as I drove home in the evenings and they were on my tongue every morning: I am ready to be ready when called. Christine Caine had spoken the words "you must be ready to be ready when called" at an event my friend had attended. She had prayed those words over me. I hadn't even really been asking for prayer for the adoption, it was actually for another life event that I had seeked her guidance on. But God was there, as He always is; His infinite wisdom fusing together the words I needed in a box I least expected. So there I was just realizing that I had been believing a a lie that I wasn't ready for all He had in store and had just become a believer in myself and how He had equipped me when BAM! God says hello in a big way....
My cousin calls, its 10:29 p.m. We just watched a movie and were getting a drink for the ride home. We stopped to call my cousin in the Captain D's parking lot...she could barely get the words out after some small talk..."I don't want to get y'lls hopes up or anything. But, um, okay...so *my husband* cousin is pregnant and they are talking about giving it up for adoption. And well, I told them about you...and um, I wanted to see if y'all were interested first, I mean before I tell them more about you. I mean they know about you...but not KNOW about you yet. So, yeah, are you...interested?" I will not lie, I laughed a little. M was watching me on the phone, hearing only one sided words...he was baffled. I told her of course and to please let me know what happens after she talks to them and that was it. We hung up.
M sat beside me as I laughed. No joke, Village, I laughed. It was so...Godly. He loves these moments I believe. The moments where He gets to catch us off guard, set us on our heels a little, astonish us with moments of conversations - no fireworks, just intimate conversations that were orchestrated by His perfect planning. I began to relay the words to M. I watched his face, the intent listening that shifted to concern, then hope, then excitement. It was infectious. We sat there for about 5 minutes just believing. We talked immediately in postives: Ths is going to be our baby. This is it. God has this. This is amazing. Then we shifted to the holy crap...what do we do? Well we prayed. Yep, we sat in the truck and prayed. We got home and sat in the truck, staring at our home, laughing randomly and just holding hands...talking out loud about the possibility of what might happen...Then we excitedly went to bed and slept...dreaming of could be moments and possibilities....
Then it all goes haywire....
NEXT POST WILL CONTINUE THE STORY of BABY EVERLEIGH...
I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, 'May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Let the mountains move.
We are waiting...as we always seem to type. This time though, my words are heavy with prayer and petition and thanksgiving. God has laid a hope on our hearts that has surpassed all the rest so far in this journey. We know that He goes before us, that He is fighting our battles, that He promises good things, that His plans are good and that trials/tribulations are to be seen as perseverance and a favor to God, for endurance brings us closer to Him with every passing moment/day/year.
This week we are asking our prayer warriors to please lift up our journey. To lift up the birthmother and child that God has chosen for us. He knew their names, He knew their birth dates before we even existed and we are believing in His infinite wisdom and timing.
We know that He has prepared for us, for these days and for all that we desire. We know that faith can move mountains and mountains are moving whether we see them at this moment or later.
We are lifting our eyes, our hearts to the Lord of all Creation. He knows what we desire and His promises are true. This day, this week we are praying the following verses & we invite you to please pray these for any situation you are encountering in life right now:
It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.
The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.
2 Chronicles 20:12-17
Be not afraid, or dismayed at this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but Gods. You shall not need to fight in this battle; take your positions, stand still and see the deliverance of the Lord.
In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit’, says the Lord of hosts.
We welcome your prayers and know that we are praying for you all. Our Village has been such an important part of all of this journey and continues to be so. Know that we love you all.
Monday, August 22, 2016
I saw the Lord always in my presence; for He is at my right hand, so that I will not be shaken – Acts 2:25
There is something about good news. It isn't just the obvious - the good part, it's beyond that. It's the acceptance and the celebration and the reality of the news...the truth of it.
We received a text from a sweet set of friends who know our adoption journey well. They know it not because we've told them but because their journey has been so similar. I was on the rocker watching a favorite Friends episode when the text came across.
A picture of a beautiful baby girl and a message following introducing us to the newest member of their family. Their secret was out.
The tears came first. I wept. I smiled and laughed out loud. I then responded sharing in their joy & utter adoration of their new daughter.
My mind flickered, trembling a bit for a moment as it recalled the day’s message at church. Our pastor spoke on faith. On continued faith. The faith we all speak of but sometimes let slip. I've let it slip. I've let the waiting, the time and the expectations of my own heart cause it to slip. God hasn't caused it. I have. He's been doing what He does and He's been doing it perfectly. I'm the anxious one, the one giving a time table, end date and expectant result. Our pastor spoke about those time tables, the ones we create and how the humor in the Word reminds us that His time is not like our time & most importantly He isn't going to change that because we get frustrated or petulant or demanding...no, He is the all knowing One. The One who sees ALL the pieces from our beginning and our end and He loves the first piece & He loves the last piece, but I believe He cherishes the pieces in between. He is going to enjoy the closeness that is created as we go to him during the in between.
Have you ever looked up the definition of cherish? It's actually perfect for His perspective and a word I personally select in these moments to center myself in His love.
To cherish is to: protect and care for (someone) lovingly; keep a hope or ambition in one's mind
Adore, love, dote on, be devoted to, nurture, foster, cling to, possess.
In that definition there is no denying the importance of the journey & the presence of God himself. The word itself evokes how He loves us. I can't stop singing His praises because I'm tired of the waiting, it's in the exhaustion I must whisper His name, when the tears roll I must not let walls build I must let them fall away.
It may not always make sense to me, but it doesn't have to- that therein lies sometimes the hardest part to swallow. But we must take our hope and lay it on Him. For He is with us always. He is the best of our good news, He is the answer to every question.
Those sweet friends of mine are celebrating, praising Him today...but it isn't the first time they have, no the good news they shared was good – amazing, beautiful, wonderful even; but the BEST part of their journey is how their identity in Christ evolved when the days were long and the pain ran deep. I cannot imagine how they are feeling - I dream about how we will feel when our day comes and I trust in Him that the date is there, written down and will come when He has deemed it to.
The good news in this story is beyond overwhelmingly good, it is a heart’s desire, an answered prayer and a million Christmas mornings all in one. So the good news runs deep, it is flooding their every moment and in it, we see beyond just the simple word good and we see best. We see chosen, adored, devoted, nurturing…every bit of what it is to cherish the sweet beautiful little girl they now hold.
The journey isn't ending for them, not at all - this parenting journey will be full of more sleepless, prayer filled nights but it will be all the better because the first leg of their journey was prayer filled, hope filled and faith filled & this time they are holding to the truth they have received in His promises. He still remains, the doting Father, the adoring parent and the loving promise that everything of Him is good, even when we can’t see it yet, even when the nights are long and the tears fall for hurt not joy, for when the day comes that everything is clear we will embrace Him and see that faith has not only been exactly what we needed along the way, but it is the steadfast answer to our prayer before the words even leave our lips…
Dear Village, please continue to pray for our journey of adoption, growth and faith, but this week we also ask that you visit our friend’s post and read about Faith, and their adoption journey – pray for them, for the birthmother and for this precious child.
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. – Hebrews 11:6
Thursday, August 11, 2016
There is struggle even on the days where struggle isn’t on the surface.
I’ve been in a loop lately.
A cycle of questions and curiosities that has stirred my emotions. We are in that place, the time period of the year where you will soon see that we will give an update after our Home Study is updated, interviews updated and visits updated. It is the month where I state: another year passed. Thank goodness we aren't Hamsters in this journey, we push forward and not only do we go somewhere, but where we end up and the track to get there is such a beautiful adventure to travel. It is these days of "loops" that I have to choose to dig deep. I cling to the truths that timing is His, that my lack of control over it is the best option and that my heart is guarded, protected and cherished by Him. He has plans, good ones... for us. He knows our desires, He knows our hopes and our dreams, He sees me, sees me more clearly than I see myself…these are truths, promises, and they are so very worthy of the weight they carry.
I still loop. There will still be days where like the hamster I step into the wheel, focused too much on how I get it to move, how I will think that I alone can make it eventually go somewhere...those are the days when I must remember what it means to truly "go somewhere", to Him, to His word and His power. I am not perfect, I am a Christian who acknowledges that I will never be perfect; my pursuit is to be like Him, to glorify Him, to share Him and to love Him. I am a light in the darkness – a light that is sourced from the King of all Kings; it is my duty and pleasure to shine for anyone I encounter & most especially to travel this life with the ultimate guide.
I never expected two years to pass and we still be renewing CANs, Fingerprints, Interviews, Profiles and Home Studies – at least not for Cherished Blessing Number 1. I know that when I speak in years I really should say year 8, but in the scheme that is most understandable it is year 2.
He has this. I believe that. He loves us. I know that. He has plans for us, great ones. I trust that.
So today I just wanted to post about ups and downs, the loops that I’m in right now.
I’m focusing on the new beginnings in our life. A new company, venture – where my name is followed by words like “entrepreneur, CEO, artist, owner” and where my days are full of the 22 year old blessing we cherish more than anything as she finishes out her last months of college, as she wanders the ocean of where the next shore is, as she shines so brightly that I sometimes just lean into who she is and rest. Our sweet Duchess makes us proud every day.
We are so honored to have this life. We know that the trials and tribulations cause us to hiccup, to hesitate, to question, to wonder and most of all to seek…He likes this part, the part where we crawl closer to Him, where we see the wall before us – that moment when the reality that we cannot do this alone – when we know that we need help – when we are so vulnerable that to hold on would be damaging – He loves that moment, where we see only His love, only His way, only His plan…the honesty of that moment takes my breath away every. single. time.
Join us in prayer. Join us as we pray for a birthmother yet to know who we are, for the children who already know their Heavenly Father but will soon meet us as the parents who will pray to raise them up to glorify Him. Pray for the parents who are sending their children to school this month, for the teachers and educators who are tasked with teaching and loving and supporting the next generations. Pray for understanding in the waiting. That we always are conscious of His blessings. Pray that as I ride out this loop of emotions that I find stability in the promises of the Word.
Dear Village…We pray for you, for all of you, that you have open eyes and hearts to the gifts of the Kingdom, that the Holy Spirit – your ever constant friend and companion – that the Spirit fills you and that your heart leans in, listens and shines like never before. That when you get stuck in the loop, that you take that moment to rest and step out, to find Him in the chaos and take confidence in the journey ahead.
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” 1 John 5:14
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
There are just not enough words…
We had our name in a hat again…there is a beautiful baby boy that will meet his forever family soon.
It isn’t us.
We know that this exactly what should be. We trust that this child, perfect as he is, is not the child for us.
He is loved.
We ache, yet we never met him. He joins a list in my heart. There are names peppered there with his, of other boys, girls and birthmothers... this memory of mine can be self-inflicting…it beats me up sometimes. I remember too much, think about them too much. But I love that I have heard their names and I love that my faith reminds me that they now have forever homes, that they have forever families that love them so very much.
We will be marking 2 years off next month. I am trying to process that in advance, to guard my heart for the day the visits start over and the year begins again. It isn’t easy. It will never be easy.
I ache today. I cry today. I will pray so very much today for peace and guidance and comfort.
He cries with me.
I will celebrate today – a child being placed with their family is a reason to celebrate.
I will pray for the other couples who were in the hat too, the ones reacting as I am, the ones who feel lost again…they need our prayers too.
I will pray for social workers today – the ones who have to break the news, to share the news and then sigh, as they begin watching and waiting – they are like Sentinels on the wall, watching the names come in, guarding us and those on the outs, taking the information and preparing how it should be presented all the while risking their own hearts to a system so jaded.
Pray for us today. Pray that we don't let our hearts be jaded by minutes ticking by, by a timeline well beyond our control. Pray for all that I have listed above and please whisper a prayer for peace, comfort, and that when we lay our heads down tonight, we add the name to the list, we don’t dwell on it, but we don’t forget it, for it is another name to cherish in this journey, another name to send prayers to and another name that my Savior created, my Savior loves and my Savior knows that one day we will be celebrating, tears of joy and elation as the name on the list becomes ours..
May he bind us up again….
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds… psalm 147:3
Monday, June 27, 2016
We haven’t disappeared.
We haven’t faltered on our journey.
We have been waiting – continually.
We have been moving forward.
Our God is amazing.
We have known that truth – constantly reminding ourselves of it, yet each encounter still sweeps me up in His glory. As the months have been passing, the hours fleeting, we’ve been waiting. We continue to wait. Yet with every post I share with each of you, with every update or non-update that I give I feel Him closer. He has this.
As far as the children we are praying for, He still has them, out there, in the world around us or in Heaven preparing to meet us. We don’t know their names yet, their eye color, their laugh or their favorite treat. We know that they are precious; we know that they are chosen, loved and cherished. He has so much going on around us right now. Windows and doors have been flung open to us and we are stepping, taking His hand and moving along a winding but beautiful road.
I have so much to share, so much to be excited about. He is laying foundations; showing us new things that in the future, with those children, our lives will be able to continue to flourish, to grow and to provide.
He has begun something in our life, He has opened a window, thrown back the shutters and leaned out...arms outstretched showing me the landscape and whisking me off my feet with the possibilities that can only happen with His blessing & guidance. We are grateful, leaning in, listening and stepping out…
I lay all that is broken within me at His feet and I look to the heavens as I look to home, knowing that my God has all of this. He has seen our children, my company, our journey, our dreams…He knows them, He crafted their goodness and He is here for the bumps along the way. We have a saying in our house “He saw us first.” We believe that. In fact we stake our lives on it. So today I update you: no further movement in the adoption that we can see. Yet our hope grows stronger, our faith deeper and our desires more encompassing. He is evident in all things in our lives even when we fail to stop and seek Him out – He never fails to have us first & always.
I hold tight to these truths:
And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.” Isaiah 30:21
Psalm 139:16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
From Milano to Firenze to Roma; there isn’t a location that didn’t take our breath away. The spires of the Duomo in Milano rose up around us and I immediately envisioned a time where every single detail of architecture reflected the greatest story ever told. (I also discovered a great appreciation for the years spent learning Italian)
I cried at the Last Supper and I sat in the apron of the Pantheon in Roma, eating gnocchi and beef carpaccio with the best husband ever and our two closest friends. By this day, our anxiousness was flowing for the following day – our friends would stand before God and declare their love for one another. In the Eternal City we rode around with photographers and videographers in tow as two people we love celebrated their union. People stopped for us, took pictures of us and called out to us as we rambled amidst monuments of Caesar, Napoleon, Mussolini, and Michelangelo. We climbed 150 steps of the Santa Maria Ara Coeli Basilica, stood on the stage/altar of a building built in the 1200’s, we prayed, we blessed and we celebrated. At one time around 200 strangers entered the church, silently and respectfully watching the service as the four of us stood below rows of chandeliers and ancient paintings grinning. They cheered as we left the building and in more than 4 languages we heard congratulations and happy wishes to the couple. It was surreal.
Then the next day we split and two went to begin a honeymoon – first Venice then the Maldives and we, me and the best husband ever, slipped off to Paris via Switzerland celebrating 10 years of marriage (in August) and 20 years together (in March). The night we rode…an adventure we will never forget. The arrival in Paris, dreary, rainy and gray should have made the day a bust…but its Paris and even in the rain, even in the gray it glows. Everything there is beautiful, from architecture to people to food. Both countries so different, so special; Italy embraced us while Paris pulled us in, cloaking us in pinks and crisp lines. We enjoyed every day. Even though frustrations arose and sometimes the schedules allowed for so little sleep that we began to fall every time we got in a car it was worth it.
It ended as it began, all mixed up and crazy. Long lines at Charles de Gaulle, again flights missed in JFK on the way home and the route changed, but worn out and tired we landed safely in BHAM, completely altered by so many things we saw and loved so far and different from home.
We never expected to be in Europe this year. We are grateful that we had the opportunity and that seeing the world actually brought us to cherish so much in our hearts. We know that the children God has for us may come from any part of the US and/or the rest of the world. We know that these travels on the surface seem to just be vacation beauties…but there were many moments that grounded us and in particular there was a moment, in London at Heathrow airport where a young girl with strawberry blonde hair and fair skin held the hand of her brother, a young boy with tight dark curls and cocoa skin; looked up at her mother a copper headed woman and began to ask if she could show her “new brother” the dog scarf on the rack beside them that my heart skipped a beat. The mother saw me watching and I smiled. She told her daughter yes and as we both stood at the counter to purchase our wares she sighed and said in the loveliest accent “He just came to us. She is in love with him. We adopted her at birth, you see and he, well he comes from a place that was horrible…” she stopped and teared up. I simply said. “Your children are beautiful.” The softest smile and the nicest thank you were whispered as the associate stepped up to ask which of us was next. I breathed in, held the tears at bay and let the moment wash over me. I pray that no matter what, no matter where we journey to in the world, that people who see our family in the future, the words they whisper are the ones the Holy Spirit gave me in that moment. I could have just nodded, I could have just smiled or pressed her for more information, but the words slipped like water and the transformation on her face reminded me that love is such a powerful thing, because God loved me, I got to share some love with her. The beauty of that family will remain with me forever.
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me
On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death, in life, I’m confident and
Covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there’s nothing than can
Separate my heart from Your great love.
-Jesus Culture “One Thing Remains”
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Pray continually – 1 Thessalonians 5:17
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. – Philippians 4:6
I have found myself surrounding my thoughts, forging my plans and discovering new things within the beauty that is prayer. My songs have become prayer, my thoughts, my visions of what is to come. It is an immersion I never expected and an adventure that is wonderfully welcome. It isn’t always easy, it isn’t always second nature; but it is a way to find peace in the chaos – every single time.
The last 7 months have been a rollercoaster ride through this adoption journey. We have already read a large number of “you have not been selected” emails and we know that there could be many more before the child God sees for us finally fills our arms. He/she is already in our hearts. The child we have not even met, even know when born, even know when we will meet already has a place in our life. He/she fills our prayers, our thoughts and our dreams. We know that the day will come when our family grows by one, then by two and then by….well…God’s plans are always interesting and we are definitely leaning in to hear what He has in store. We know that He has us, has the best for us and this desire we have comes from Him and Him alone.
For now, we are still waiting. We watch emails on Wednesday’s like hawks (Social worker R meets with the other states and their social workers on Wednesdays, so lets just say we are attune to our email more acutely on Wed/Thurs than any other day), we recently were in the mix for a child in KY but sadly we were not selected. It was on a Saturday morning that we received the news & as heart wrenching as it always is, my heart took it better than it has before. It wasn’t due to hardening or bitterness – in contrast it was because I’m believing in the power of prayer, in the comfort of prayer and in the truth of prayer. I trust that the Lord will send us the additions to our family, He will do so in His time and every time we get to hear a birthmother’s name, get to read a dossier on these women we are given the opportunity to pray…for a stranger, for a woman/girl who may be family one day, for a child we may welcome home one day, for a girl we may never meet, for a family we may never be a part of…the “mays” are many. But the important part of all this is: opportunity to pray. What an honor! We get to be intercessors for these young women, these unborn/born children, their families, their futures…What a beauty it is to pray for someone, even though the email comes that says “you have not been selected” tears at my soul, my spirit reminds me that I still must pray for them.
I won’t forget their names, their bits of information and the hope I felt when I read their info summaries. I remember every one and each one is a piece of me, a portion of my heart that is building a memorial to the children we will one day have. I pray that someone prays for us when we are selected, that the couples that receive the emails we see now stop and pray for us, that they love us and that they hope for us. I am excited for that day, for now I will pray in all things and wait for His timing.
While we wait we are preparing for a trip, one that I have always dreamed of taking and one that we know will be a beautiful celebration of two friends getting married and an opportunity to see a part of the world much different from our own.
For now I leave you all, our wonderful Village, with some fabulous travel words that always make me smile….
Once a year, go somewhere you have never been before….- Anonymous
“To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted.” – Bill Bryson
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me. Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done. Luke 22:42
Every day I receive a daily devotional via email. I like that method because it allows me to read any time during the day and also to keep my favorites handy. This morning I was pleasantly surprised to see the excerpt was taken from a book I have not yet read but by an author I followed quite closely through their caringbridge website a few years back. Laura Sobiech posted religiously about her son’s battle with cancer and through her I discovered a talented musician and a faithful heart that for the world was gone way too soon. Zach Sobiech touched my heart with his unfailing faith, his love of family and his desire to leave this earth as a joyous spirit. His mother’s strength is one of the most beautiful impressions of love for her child and her Savior.
The excerpt, from her book “fly a little higher”, pulled me in before I even felt the tears collect in my eyes. She spoke of those moments where you know you have faith, you know that you are a believer, but where you are placing your hope is something to reflect on. I have never been in the situation she has, but I can relate to the version of prayer where we are placing our prayers/our hope on what we want our Father in heaven to do – how we want to pray hard enough for Him to do what we desire as we see it should be done. I’ve been praying that way for awhile now. Knowing that I am not in control, knowing that He knows best, He sees better and He desires the best for me; yet I try to conform what He has in store into what I want. The adoption process is number one on this list for me.
Back in December when we heard again that we were not chosen, I broke down. I was mad this time. I had been praying specifically, praying for myspecific purposes rather than praying with intent, for God’s purposes.
I ran afterwards.
We started with Dallas and the playoff game. It was a release to just enjoy the time with family and just pretend that it wasn’t meant to happen so “oh well”. Then we were blessed to get tickets to Phoenix – national championship game. Again, throwing any feelings of anger or aggravation against the wall and deciding to just enjoy the time with M the Best Husband Ever in Vegas & Phoenix for a few days. Then New York last weekend, I tossed the idea of worrying about adoption processes and threw myself into the fun birthday weekend I will forever treasure with my Duchess. Not one trip is regrettable, not one trip is something I would trade with anyone – I have had an amazing last 20 days and my birthday week was top notch. Granted I’ve been through all the time zones and to be honest my body is still not sure which one is the correct one yet and I’ve walked more airports and landscapes in those 20 days than some may ever get to do. I know all this. I know that these days were meant to happen just as I know we weren’t meant to get that Christmas child I was praying for…this past December. It may be that my Christmas child is meant for February or March or July or August or November or December of this year or the next. Time is perfect in God’s plans. It is frustrating in ours.
We tell ourselves that we are focusing on what He asks us to focus on while sometimes we are tricking ourselves, we are still holding onto what we control, what we feel should be the result/response/ending/beginning/change/consistency of how we see it to be. We have to shift our sights, stop placing our hope on the point in the distance that we see it should be and place it on what He reminds us is the greatest point. Laura says it exactly like this: Hope is about raising our eyes from a point on the horizon to the heavens and into eternity.(Laura Sobiech, Fly a Little Higher)
She references that this prayer, these words from Luke 22:42 Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me. Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done. is the perfect prayer for those moments when we just can’t even fathom how to pray anymore, when we struggle with what to ask for, how to ask for it and what we are to do. She is right. This is where even Jesus, kneeling in agony, turned to the Heavens as he had wrestled with God’s will but KNEW that His Father’s will was greater, that His Father’s plans were perfect, that His Father was all knowing, that His Father’s timing is/was/forever will be the best timing; to that knowledge the son surrendered completely.
How on earth can I expect that I could bend God’s will to my wants? It’s laughable when I type it out on the screen; truly, hilarious. Even though in the moments of weakness where I question how things happen, the whys, laughter is the farthest from me. But I have a very compassionate and grace filled Heavenly Father. So He has given us the words in Luke and also more in Psalms.
Now, I’m approaching prayer and my day to day differently. I want to live intentionally. I want to pray intentionally. Don’t get me wrong, He asks us to speak our heart’s desires, our wants, our needs…those prayers are still there, but the life I lead around those prayers has to adjust to His purposes, how I accept what happens to those desires is to be handled differently.
In all this I must admit that when I pray I know that in my human nature there will be times that I will still expect it to be as I see it should be and sometimes it might turn out that way, but every time His answer or non-answer will remain the perfect answer He has for me; so my hope will rest differently, my prayers will be specific to His intent and my way will need to change to be His, not mine. I will give Him my worries, my hesitations, my need for control and the view that I feel everything should be and I will receive His will, His view, His guidance…for He runs to me, wanting me to get not the good, but the BEST there ever could be. I will still ache when the hurt comes, grateful for the compassion and the love He has for me; but I plan to not dwell on the ache but use it to shift my perspective, to move closer to Him and to lean into Him.
So for 2016, a year already historical in our house, I’m making steps to living intentionally. I’m placing my hope heavenward not on the horizon. He has that Christmas child out there chosen for us, perhaps we need to adjust our view of the how/when to it will be as it is supposed to be in the perfect time, the perfect manner and the most perfect precious journey.
As always, thank you Village for loving us, for supporting us, for praying with and for us…please don’t stop, our journey already has had many twists and turns, thanks to each of you we weather each obstacle with higher hopes, better views and the love of a family that spans all walks of all realms. Be safe and have a happy 2016.
For those that need Psalm 37….
1 Do not worry because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
7 Rest before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
23 If the LORD delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm;
24 though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.
28 For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;
31 The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip.
34 Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.