Courtney S. Barr

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Wednesday, July 20, 2016

We regret to inform were not chosen...

There are just not enough words…

We had our name in a hat again…there is a beautiful baby boy that will meet his forever family soon. 

It isn’t us.

We know that this exactly what should be. We trust that this child, perfect as he is, is not the child for us.

He is loved.

We ache, yet we never met him. He joins a list in my heart. There are names peppered there with his, of other boys, girls and birthmothers... this memory of mine can be self-inflicting…it beats me up sometimes. I remember too much, think about them too much. But I love that I have heard their names and I love that my faith reminds me that they now have forever homes, that they have forever families that love them so very much.

We will be marking 2 years off next month. I am trying to process that in advance, to guard my heart for the day the visits start over and the year begins again. It isn’t easy. It will never be easy.

I ache today. I cry today. I will pray so very much today for peace and guidance and comfort. 

He cries with me. 

I will celebrate today – a child being placed with their family is a reason to celebrate.

I will pray for the other couples who were in the hat too, the ones reacting as I am, the ones who feel lost again…they need our prayers too.

I will pray for social workers today – the ones who have to break the news, to share the news and then sigh, as they begin watching and waiting – they are like Sentinels on the wall, watching the names come in, guarding us and those on the outs, taking the information and preparing how it should be presented all the while risking their own hearts to a system so jaded.

Pray for us today. Pray that we don't let our hearts be jaded by minutes ticking by, by a timeline well beyond our control. Pray for all that I have listed above and please whisper a prayer for peace, comfort, and that when we lay our heads down tonight, we add the name to the list, we don’t dwell on it, but we don’t forget it, for it is another name to cherish in this journey, another name to send prayers to and another name that my Savior created, my Savior loves and my Savior knows that one day we will be celebrating, tears of joy and elation as the name on the list becomes ours..

May he bind us up again….

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds… psalm 147:3