Courtney S. Barr

Welcome to My Kingdom!
Join me, the Princess, on my Royal Adventures in the Land of Writing!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Trust in Him & Keep moving forward....

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go, He’s the one who will keep you on track.”

Proverbs 3:5,6 (The Message)

It’s been a few weeks. The world has turned a couple times. Newsfeeds have been full of resolutions, changes, stagnancies, deaths, births and all the events that define the lives we are living. Each day I peruse the various social media outlets that I enjoy. Instagram is my favorite – the pictures, quotes, ideas; behind it is Pinterest – there is nothing like seeing so many neat ideas, cool places to visit and recipes to indulge in; then there is Facebook – photos, articles, pictures, videos ; each one gives me various levels of happy. There are things that I have to scroll past, the articles about children being murdered, abused; animals mistreated and left to die; negative comments that pull me into a cycle of sadness and anything that causes me to be judgmental or harsh. I work hard to keep those things at bay.

I’ve learned and accepted that I am truly an introvert. That being said – if I have struggled with small talk with any of you, please know I do apologize and that it is also something I work on daily. I’m beginning to embrace the emotional parts of being an introvert, the deep connections that I attach to ideas, stories, people, pets and moments. It can be exhausting how emotional I get over things, but I love that stoic is not in my demeanor. Granted the fact that stoic usually associates with no complaining (I do complain – again it falls on the beautiful long list of work in progress personality traits) would be good – but enduring each hardship and pain without showing my feelings is definitely not my way.

All of this is to preface my current state of mind. I’m overwhelmed by the emotional difficulty I’ve had with our profile that we must create for our birthmother. Yes we answered 2000 questions and have written autobiographies. Yes we are doing physicals, bloodwork, house adjustments and mental shifts throughout this process. Yes we are fundraising, praying for financial supernatural blessings from God and doing all we can to financially provide for this process. All of that was and is draining, emotional and self-explorative – but this, this 30 page profile is the largest boulder I’ve encountered. I hit the wall with it a few weeks back. I was easily placing photos of Stable Boy M, Duchess K  and myself. Great photos, candid shots, funny shots, silly shots…I was writing blurbs about our life, our interests, some repeated from the autobiographies, some not then it happened. I printed a copy. I held it in my hands and burst into tears. These pages, these pictures are our “Sell Packet” our “Romance Copy” the information shewill hold in her hands. She  will look at this and see us – this family that is desperately wanting to be a part of her family, to raise the child she  is already so terrified to be carrying. I cannot imagine how she feels, I cannot even begin to think about how I would be, how I would see these families laid before me. I wept for her. I still do when I think about this in detail. I know that God will guide us both: me to complete this and her to love us. I trust in Him with every part of our adoption. I rely on Him with every nuance, every emotional high and low – He is my comforter. I repeat these things often and here I am typing them, because writing is part of His process He gave me to share my life and my emotions. 

I’m writing this to ask you to pray for me as I complete this packet for her. Pray that Stable Boy M and I find the words, find the way to portray who we are, to maybe give her the tiniest smidge of comfort during this time and that she somehow, some way, feels that we love her and that our request to be a family is genuine and full of all the best we have. Thank you all for keeping up with our journey, for loving us so much and for reminding me daily of the support system we have – I pray that somehow your support of us is extended to support her in this time. We will keep moving forward and excitedly work towards the family He is providing...

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.”

Isaiah 40:31


Monday, January 5, 2015

The First of the New Focus is on Him

From there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.
Deuteronomy 4:29
In this the first full week of this New Year I'm drawn to the humbling realization that 2014 was an amazing year. God blessed us immensely by the gift of His presence - yes we did a good many things, saw amazing sites, enjoyed great travels, and began a process that will lead to our family growing but it is His presence that surrounds every single moment in 2014. This doesn't mean that every single day was simply brilliant and fun and fantastic - no, there were hard times. Moments that ripped me to my core and reminded me of sadness and of loss. He didn't leave me in those moments - He became a brighter light - but its because I asked Him to, I turned to Him, I gave those moments to Him. He is always waiting on the edge, hoping I will look to Him first. I'm learning how to do that completely.

I'm giving Him 2015 -even though it is just starting. I'm laying down the walls, worshiping Him with everything I have and trusting that He will provide in His time, in His manner and knowing that His responses are the best there are. It will take understanding; it will take patience; it will take trust; it will take moments of uncertainty that reveal clarity at the most unexpected times but it will be the journey that will move me forward towards the best of things, the greatest of loves and the most amazing relationships.

I'm thankful to Him for the friendships I've made this year. For the adoption fundraising - it has been supernatural in its success and continues to be so. We have a long way to go but the path is no longer covered in mud and briers - it is clear and ready for us.

I'm honored that He has seen such a path for us. I'm honored that He believes in us just as we have faith in Him.

I'm defined by my choices and I pray that they are worthy of Him.

I'm excited about this new year, about the trials that may come up, about the blessings that will abound.

His perfect love is something I never truly knew until now. I always thought I had to live up to something, to be something more than who I am - this year I saw Him and heard Him. I am His creation - perfectly made by Him. I seek Him so that I may draw closer to Him because closer to Him reveals an eternal perspective that brings me great joy. He loves me. He loves you.

So on this first week of the first month of a new year I am focusing on Him. My praise is for Him and all that He has shown me, all that He has blessed me with - my health (even where I prayed the Why? the Why me? the Why now? the Why not me? - He was never letting go of me. He saw a better plan for me, He saw me as more than what I saw and in that truth my heart almost burst with love.);

my husband (He saw M years before we met. He saw our path. He saw the man who stood beside me when Cancer knocked, when our family path shifted, when I made stupid decisions as a twenty year old with finances, when I stumble and He still led M to love me, to want to work daily on marriage and to make a covenant relationship here on earth that is celebrated in the Heavens.);

my family (we were sent K when we had no idea how to raise a teenager; when we were questioning our abilities, when we thought we'd never have a family, He sent us the most amazing girl that we have been blessed to see become an amazing young woman);

my talents (I never, not once, not ever expected to be able to draw/write and have it bought, purchased, celebrated so that we could raise monies for our future children - we had thought we wouldn't even have children and now, thanks to God and all of you we are closer to a new reality than ever before - my heart aches on this one, the gratefulness I feel is something that makes me speechless....)

So yes, this focus is for Him. I pray for each of you, my Royal loves, that you are able to seek Him, He is there; and that in your quest you find that having Him there makes all the difference. He makes broken things beautiful, He breathes life into a weary soul and when you come alive....there is a freedom unlike any other.

Today this faith laden message is one that I will return to & I hope you do to....

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13