Courtney S. Barr

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

I pulled the trigger & did not even know it was loaded...

Everyone has their trigger: that word or movement or item that brings a memory back so fresh. It almost always is unexpected, especially when that trigger knocks us back into moments that took us by surprise to begin with. Tonight I found myself packing an overnight bag, collecting some books, arranging my iPod and I wrote down the date on a CD I was burning for my sister… I am going to Atlanta this weekend to see Nina, Keith & the kids for Nina’s birthday. I am going by myself so that Marcus can get some work done, plus they are going to Camden for the Fourth so he will see everyone then. My hand shook when I set the pen down and I got so nauseated. I found myself just sitting there and it took a few moments to register…it was the date that did it. The last days of June…

A year ago I took the same trip. Packed the same bag – even some of the same clothes; I went by myself last year too. Last year Stacie met me in Atlanta on her way down to Camden. It was a great trip – we celebrated my sister’s birthday, ate some yummy food, the kids finished up swim team, Nina & I were bouncing off the walls ready for New York, I was excited about seeing them the upcoming Thursday for the Fourth. The repetition is eerie due to its repetition, but I realized a moment ago that last year I wrote a blog entry when I got back from Atlanta all about the weekend and the fun we had…that blog entry is the last entry I made until August 2nd – the day we should have been in New York. I did not make a single entry in July 2008.
2 weeks after the Atlanta trip I was screaming my head off and terrified out of my mind. For some reason that fear hit me tonight like a brick wall. I just sat down beside my bag and just cried. You would think I had watched the saddest movie or read a tear jerker book. I could not & still cannot stop the tears. For a minute I just was trying to quit sobbing. I cannot imagine what people go through when they are hit with the memory of a loss but for me this was a loss that for a second I could not explain the grieving, but that is what I have done for the last 30 minutes – grieve. I grieved for a part of me that I had not even realized had died. That part that had always been excited about unknown weeks ahead & adventures yet to come, but also that part of me that plans extensively. Marcus has noticed that when we plan a trip lately I don’t come home within three days with “travel book”. So far I have waited until the week we are to go on the trip to compile information. Fear of the unknown and fear that if I plan and put my heart into it the world will just rip the plans away.

It physically hurts to be afraid of the rest of the summer – yes ridiculous isn’t it, I am afraid of the upcoming weeks. Terrified of repetition. I even threw in an odd shirt in my bag just to really mess it all up :o) Laugh at the pitiful girl – trust me I have to. Sorry for a bummer type of entry but blogging is my personal therapy. This is a new thing for me. I mean I have my fears but the unknown has never really been one of them. I tend to run head first, thinking later about the unknown. But in the last year, I have been more cautious and have tried to be more self aware.
Anyway, tomorrow I drive. I loaded new songs to the iPod, I have my camera for new pictures, I may buy a few new clothing items this weekend or something, I just know that mixing it up a bit in even the littlest way will help. Here is to a great weekend and an amazing rest of summer. Hopefully the repetition will be the comforting kind and the unknown will be the extraordinary kind. :o)


  1. I love you Courtney!!!!!Your enthusiasm (no spell check)for life, your ability to find the most wonderful places, events, resturants etc to see the beauty in such a wde variety of places, things, people and idologys is such a gift. Baby, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that we love you and that Heavenly Father loves you. Try not to fear the future, hold tight to your faith, it is ok to feel this way, you were in such pain that you never really went thru the grief process, the loss is real and it will always be there .Please know that you are special and that Heavenly Father has very special plans for you, I know that he does, because he blessed you with so many special gifts!! I love you Mom!!!!

  2. I know exactly how you feel (although no on can know EXACTLY). I am just now starting to get that part of my own self back, small pieces! Just know that even though we may change for a season, grow, mature or move on (whatever the case may be) we are never totally lost to ourselves.

    Oh, there's this evening painting class I want to take this July but I don't want to go by myself. Interested?

  3. And we'll all be praying for no repeats of last summer for you... well at least last July for you. Have a great trip and enjoy the time with family!


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