I pulled the trigger & did not even know it was loaded...

Everyone has their trigger: that word or movement or item that brings a memory back so fresh. It almost always is unexpected, especially when that trigger knocks us back into moments that took us by surprise to begin with. Tonight I found myself packing an overnight bag, collecting some books, arranging my iPod and I wrote down the date on a CD I was burning for my sister… I am going to Atlanta this weekend to see Nina, Keith & the kids for Nina’s birthday. I am going by myself so that Marcus can get some work done, plus they are going to Camden for the Fourth so he will see everyone then. My hand shook when I set the pen down and I got so nauseated. I found myself just sitting there and it took a few moments to register…it was the date that did it. The last days of June…

A year ago I took the same trip. Packed the same bag – even some of the same clothes; I went by myself last year too. Last year Stacie met me in Atlanta on her way down to Camden. It was a great trip – we celebrated my sister’s birthday, ate some yummy food, the kids finished up swim team, Nina & I were bouncing off the walls ready for New York, I was excited about seeing them the upcoming Thursday for the Fourth. The repetition is eerie due to its repetition, but I realized a moment ago that last year I wrote a blog entry when I got back from Atlanta all about the weekend and the fun we had…that blog entry is the last entry I made until August 2nd – the day we should have been in New York. I did not make a single entry in July 2008.
2 weeks after the Atlanta trip I was screaming my head off and terrified out of my mind. For some reason that fear hit me tonight like a brick wall. I just sat down beside my bag and just cried. You would think I had watched the saddest movie or read a tear jerker book. I could not & still cannot stop the tears. For a minute I just was trying to quit sobbing. I cannot imagine what people go through when they are hit with the memory of a loss but for me this was a loss that for a second I could not explain the grieving, but that is what I have done for the last 30 minutes – grieve. I grieved for a part of me that I had not even realized had died. That part that had always been excited about unknown weeks ahead & adventures yet to come, but also that part of me that plans extensively. Marcus has noticed that when we plan a trip lately I don’t come home within three days with “travel book”. So far I have waited until the week we are to go on the trip to compile information. Fear of the unknown and fear that if I plan and put my heart into it the world will just rip the plans away.

It physically hurts to be afraid of the rest of the summer – yes ridiculous isn’t it, I am afraid of the upcoming weeks. Terrified of repetition. I even threw in an odd shirt in my bag just to really mess it all up :o) Laugh at the pitiful girl – trust me I have to. Sorry for a bummer type of entry but blogging is my personal therapy. This is a new thing for me. I mean I have my fears but the unknown has never really been one of them. I tend to run head first, thinking later about the unknown. But in the last year, I have been more cautious and have tried to be more self aware.
Anyway, tomorrow I drive. I loaded new songs to the iPod, I have my camera for new pictures, I may buy a few new clothing items this weekend or something, I just know that mixing it up a bit in even the littlest way will help. Here is to a great weekend and an amazing rest of summer. Hopefully the repetition will be the comforting kind and the unknown will be the extraordinary kind. :o)