Courtney S. Barr

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Thursday, May 31, 2007


Personal discovery & reflection are dangerous. Allowing others to view those discoveries take the danger to new heights. I realized this when I posted the last entry. Every actor, author, columnist is subject to review, this blog is not exempt: I have a few special people in the world who read my entries, they have the courtesy to be honest about my thoughts, my quirkiness, my heart. Each one remarks on pieces of my entry or on the whole, some make light of my darkest fears, others see through the veil I sometimes create, and some see me differently after each word is read. It is those people who help me to keep moving forward. I thank you all for reading, for caring, for supporting this journey & for letting me be me. I hope that I return the favor.

The last entry focused on this part of me that I felt had been smothered or allowed to sink into a self created abyss. The girl who sees things in nothing, who feels cynics are the enemy and that life is not just an evolution of people but a discovery of self worth. She walks with me each day only I sometimes push her behind me, to walk in shadow.

One extraordinary husband read the last entry and just said: "that is beautiful." He told me that when I speak or write there is something so deep & beyond anything most expect of me. He loves me wholeheartedly for every fear that I expressed, for every disappointment I dredged on about, and for the fact that there is that girl inside me, a girl he has seen so many times in the past 11 years & he says the girl he sees everyday shines just as brightly as the girl that I feel I have lost. His view of me even with arguments, and disagreements has not wavered. He sees me as not just past present or future, but as me. I did not know how to respond. A smile was there in response, but I felt there was so much he could see that I often overlook & he still loves me for me that I just whispered thank you. Needless to say he very sweetly made me cry.

Another friend read the entry and saw so much of who I am as well. Saw that I am someone who struggles internally. That I work hard to just make it, but have allowed a lack of discipline when working at who I WANT to be. He mentioned that we should "be who we want to be and be willing to pay the price." that statement hit me like a brick in the face. I realized that the fleeting glimpses of that girl, the memories of who she is & will forever be showed points in my life where I had temporarily paid the price. Allowed everything else around me to dissipate & just let her be, let her thrive in reality while still holding on to her alternate world, I made a sacrifice to have her here. Most would tell me that holding on to that world is unhealthy. But no, its not. We need that escape into our true selves, that vision of what we want helps us to move forward, to continue the journey. This same friend enlightened me to the fact that he struggles as well; that finding his own peace & balance can be just as difficult. He stated that the process is the prize. He is right. the glimpses along the way of who I want to be bring a notable euphoria unlike any other. That euphoria is what we all search for. The ability to truly enjoy each moment brought to life, even enjoy the moments where sorrow envelopes us, there should still be that glimmer; that fleeting second of learning, of truth. If not just for that fact that we are able to LIVE in that moment. We work to create a lasting impression in our minds & of those around us. That moment is worth it. The search, the persons we discover within our self are worth it. This friend mentioned a noted philospher who "congratulates any person who pursues self while chastising us for thinking we may reach it." That concept made me laugh. I understand that outlook and love being able to think that I am that one who can reach the outcome. Even when I know that if I truly reached my ideal self, I would still be dissatisfied, I would still find fault, there in lies the fact that we are not meant to reach that point, but to partake in this journey of self discovery, improvement & even failures. Again, it is the journey & process that is the prize. I thank him for his view, not only for the surprising revelation that he struggles, humbling me in that there are so many others out there that are searching, no matter how perfect or above the norm their lives are seen. Perception is so deceiving, if we don't take the time to consider each story ourselves, how can we expect them to return the favor? I found that he does not partake in knowing a great deal of things just to know them, that he is not like some people who want to learn all they can about life or any subject just to feel entitled or superior; he educates himself because he too is searching. He too wants to find peace, balance & as he mentioned discipline. I have great faith that he will see glimpses of the person he strives to be, because I have had the pleasure to have seen him already...

Another friend merely read the entry laughed & said: "you always were so wordy. you don't write enough, I remember the stories you used to write for all of us, they were so beyond your years, it was astounding. Teachers were amazed at what you could do, we all know you have it in you, just have more faith in yourself. Don't give up on that. Let that be part of your journey." She is right. She nailed it on the Faith aspect. Maybe I found the next step or at least some sign of direction...

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