Courtney S. Barr

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Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Defining Moments....

Well yesterday was one of the most heart breaking, gut wrenching days so far in my life. I got home around 6 p.m. and found our Bear Bear. He had passed quietly and without pain while we were at work. Laying in his favorite spot in the living room. I have never known such pain. I have lost pets before but always I was young, my parents were the ones to tend to their little bodies and I just dealt with the pain. This time, I sat beside a loved one and petted him for the last time. As I cried I knew it was better this way, that God had granted my prayers, he had listened. Bear felt no pain, we did not have to choose, and he went out with flying colors. This past weekend he knew, he acted like he hasn't in a month. He got on the couch, he played hide & go seek for the last time, he barked, he ran around outside, ate jello in bed (along with some smores) and he gave me 'hugs' (sometimes when I would sit in a chair he would come over stand there and just push his head against my stomach and lay it there, we called them 'Bear hugs'.) He had not been so active so 'normal' in weeks. Marcus & I had just discussed Sunday night how great his weekend had been & that we really did not want to have to think about making a decision. God really heard us. We did the right thing. For that I have peace, but it will take so long to not cry when I see a photo or when I don't hear those clod hopping big feet running through the house. We drove last night to Camden and buried Bear beside Biscuit. It was his last ride. He LOVED to go for a ride. He is home.

Tracy posted the most wonderful words on this blog when I first posted of his illness..."Just remember that he had a great life with AMAZING "parents" and that he'll be waiting for you up there just like he was waiting for you everyday when you came home, ready to play and love you" Those words have comforted me since I read them. I memorized them and just think that the truth in them is so perfect. I hope we were amazing parents, but I know he is waiting, loving, and playing.
We now are 3. Bubbles made me cry this morning when we got back to our house in Tuscaloosa. She stood and stared at the living room and then just curled up right where I found Bear. It broke my heart. She got up a little while later and I noticed she went from room to room. Her baby brother is gone and I know she grieves as we do. Please pray for us. Marcus loves that dog more than anything. To see him hurt is so hard for me. I know it will take time, but the silence in the house is not comforting, it is disturbing, knowing my protector is no longer here hurts so badly. I pray that God will help me find peace and I do believe dogs go to heaven, they are so perfect, they do not judge us, they love us no matter what we do, even in anger they hesitate, but in love they are full force. If only we could some times find that part of the animal instinct. That unrelentless protection, love, and understanding.

Marcus spoke on the long drive to Camden last night about defining moments. When I gave Bear to him 8 1/2 years ago for his birthday it was a defining moment: he was old enough to love Bear as more than a pet and to want the responsibility. Yesterday was another defining moment: Taking that 'child' and accepting that he is in a better place is much harder than the first responsibility, but both must be done...

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