Courtney S. Barr

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Sunday, March 23, 2008


I hope everyone had a very Happy Easter holiday. We headed down to the big city of Camden & had a very nice & relaxing time.
Most of you probably don't know that recently I have really had some odd bouts of depressive moods. My emotions have been a whirlwind for quite some time (about 7 months actually) but the worst came most recently. I am the poster child for putting on a good front no matter what my mood & really when I appear to be in a bad mood it typically is more derivative of something deeper. You see when I state in my ABOUT ME that I am sensitive to my surroundings - it is not an exaggeration. Marcus calls me his "tortured artist" and at times I really empathize with the concept. We all have down days & have to push through but it seemed lately mine were rolling on top of me & never letting me breathe much less have the ability to 'push' back. This past week was very trying for me. I felt like I was really heading in the wrong direction with my life, that somewhere a choice I had made had somehow made all choices obsolete. The paths were destroyed - no longer could I venture into something different. It took a day to look at the sky & barren pecan trees for me to realize how ignorant I had become. You see I have so many interests, so many areas I want to explore that sometimes those options had swamped me. Then I would wake up go to work & feel pigeon holed - never would I be seen as someone other than what I do at work. How silly; I had let the outside world change my own personal view of myself. Now granted a day in the sun does not make for continuous sunny days but it did help lift a good portion of my mood & made me a bit more positive about my current self reflections. I lay on a hammock in the back yard of my parents house and found myself crying silently to myself. Crying not for being sad but angry, guilty tears. I felt angry that I had let myself become this sad pity party & guilty because my pity party is for something that is seemingly petty compared to issues other people have. Then as my mother called across the yard and asked if I was okay it was like a movie show in front of me. I was honestly flooded with memories. I saw myself in a wheelbarrow beneath my old bedroom window. I sat on a quilt with a book & sketchpad in my lap. The air was so hot, but the cool metal that touched my skin helped to ward it off. I could hear my brother & his friend heading out on four wheelers to fish in the pond. I saw me & my best friend on a rainy day smashing bottles off the back porch (we got in trouble for that one). I saw Marcus & I sitting in the swing under the pecan tree, so young & so full of love. Then the sounds of splashes in the pool, my parents dancing in the kitchen. Then just as swiftly I remembered clover, lush green clover all underneath the fruit trees, I could see my mom on the front porch hollering out to see if I was okay. The memories were plentiful & I swear in some I smiled at myself. In the present I had stopped swaying on the hammock & then I was smiling. It felt so good to really smile. I just almost felt washed over with relaxation. My stomach wasn't turning & the tears had dried up. I know that being a "tortured artist" :) that my path will not be smooth & clear but realizing that there is always a reason to be happy, I am alive, I have family, friends, God gave me so many talents, too many I think sometimes. Here I am just letting them waste, blaming it on "not having time". POSH! He gave me these talents who am I to let them sit & waste away. Those talents are what make me whole, they are my escape, my sanity, my insanity, my happiness & my sadness. So again I have to look at myself and chastise the human emotion of self-pity & move forward. So look out who knows what you may see me putting in a blog next. Lets just hope that I don't go crazy trying to figure out which direction to go. I am most glad though to realize my directions never left in the first place, I had merely put up a roadblock.


  1. Courtney, I'm so sorry I haven't been there for you more lately BUT I know the cure for your issues.....MOVE TO MISSOURI. See if you're with me then you'd always be near friends (in fact there is still no house on the lot next to us), and Isabel could cheer you up everyday..she does us. and Peanut could keep her happy as well..see one big eternal round! MOVE TO MISSOURI, hey you know you like antique shopping here!

  2. It's true, Tracy is superb at cheering people up. I went through a pretty tough time myself in college and I don't know what I would have done without her and her confounded shopping trips! I have trouble with depression, too, and I think it's because I'm a ponderer...sounds like you might be one, too. As you may know, pondering leads to brooding, which leads to nasty mood swings. I've been doing much better lately. If you need to talk about it, you can always talk to me. I'll listen and might even refrain from giving advice unless so directed! Check out my blog, I have a picture of Beth's baby!

  3. Hey girl... You know we are all only a phone call away... The greatest Gift God ever gave to us women (besides our husbands) is our girlfriends and our ability to talk and listen. It is not until we talk about our deepest emotions and feelings that we find others who have gone through or are going through the exact same feelings and emotions we have. I always feel better when someone else has insight into my current challenges and or woes.... Anway.. you are very loved and Missouri is out of the question... Sorry Tracy...We LOVE YOU!!! Call me sometime...

  4. The 3 of you have no idea how amazing it was to see your names pop up in the comments. There are times where I just feel silly being so down and even more silly burdening someone else with my issues. The blog allows me to just type freely, without the humiliation of someone's expression across from me. I will take you all up on the talking to you though, & I hope that you would not hesitate to call me if there were something on your mind. I love you all so much! Thank you for 'reading' and most importantly for letting me know you are there.

  5. hey, what is the dealio???? I have been blogging more than you for the past few days...


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