I hope everyone had a very Happy Easter holiday. We headed down to the big city of Camden & had a very nice & relaxing time.
Most of you probably don't know that recently I have really had some odd bouts of depressive moods. My emotions have been a whirlwind for quite some time (about 7 months actually) but the worst came most recently. I am the poster child for putting on a good front no matter what my mood & really when I appear to be in a bad mood it typically is more derivative of something deeper. You see when I state in my ABOUT ME that I am sensitive to my surroundings - it is not an exaggeration. Marcus calls me his "tortured artist" and at times I really empathize with the concept. We all have down days & have to push through but it seemed lately mine were rolling on top of me & never letting me breathe much less have the ability to 'push' back. This past week was very trying for me. I felt like I was really heading in the wrong direction with my life, that somewhere a choice I had made had somehow made all choices obsolete. The paths were destroyed - no longer could I venture into something different. It took a day to look at the sky & barren pecan trees for me to realize how ignorant I had become. You see I have so many interests, so many areas I want to explore that sometimes those options had swamped me. Then I would wake up go to work & feel pigeon holed - never would I be seen as someone other than what I do at work. How silly; I had let the outside world change my own personal view of myself. Now granted a day in the sun does not make for continuous sunny days but it did help lift a good portion of my mood & made me a bit more positive about my current self reflections. I lay on a hammock in the back yard of my parents house and found myself crying silently to myself. Crying not for being sad but angry, guilty tears. I felt angry that I had let myself become this sad pity party & guilty because my pity party is for something that is seemingly petty compared to issues other people have. Then as my mother called across the yard and asked if I was okay it was like a movie show in front of me. I was honestly flooded with memories. I saw myself in a wheelbarrow beneath my old bedroom window. I sat on a quilt with a book & sketchpad in my lap. The air was so hot, but the cool metal that touched my skin helped to ward it off. I could hear my brother & his friend heading out on four wheelers to fish in the pond. I saw me & my best friend on a rainy day smashing bottles off the back porch (we got in trouble for that one). I saw Marcus & I sitting in the swing under the pecan tree, so young & so full of love. Then the sounds of splashes in the pool, my parents dancing in the kitchen. Then just as swiftly I remembered clover, lush green clover all underneath the fruit trees, I could see my mom on the front porch hollering out to see if I was okay. The memories were plentiful & I swear in some I smiled at myself. In the present I had stopped swaying on the hammock & then I was smiling. It felt so good to really smile. I just almost felt washed over with relaxation. My stomach wasn't turning & the tears had dried up. I know that being a "tortured artist" :) that my path will not be smooth & clear but realizing that there is always a reason to be happy, I am alive, I have family, friends, God gave me so many talents, too many I think sometimes. Here I am just letting them waste, blaming it on "not having time". POSH! He gave me these talents who am I to let them sit & waste away. Those talents are what make me whole, they are my escape, my sanity, my insanity, my happiness & my sadness. So again I have to look at myself and chastise the human emotion of self-pity & move forward. So look out who knows what you may see me putting in a blog next. Lets just hope that I don't go crazy trying to figure out which direction to go. I am most glad though to realize my directions never left in the first place, I had merely put up a roadblock.
SOMETIMES THE M IS SILENT _ THOUGHTS ON JAN. 20TH
13 hours ago
