Courtney S. Barr

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Preparation isn't always easy & guidance can be hard to follow....

Preparing for something is what we all do whether we are procrastinators or proactives. Procrastinators prepare to put things off, proactives prepare for everything normally way in advance. Marcus & I have never found that line between the two perfectly straight or clear. Sometimes we lapse into both categories others we seem to fit right into one for a moment then the other...

We all have our different tricks of physical preparation. the mother who ALWAYS has snacks & juice boxes in the car, the guy NEVER without Armor All or washer fluid for the flashy car, the girl who listened to that old sage to keep clean underwear in the glove box for any occasion.

But along with the physical there is a mental preparation for every moment of life. We all know many inevitables: we are ALL going to age, too much sun can create some serious later in life skin issues, children will grow up, parents are sometimes overbearing, love is going to hurt, pain is a feeling associated with more than bumps and bruises.

Teaching a person that those lessons of inevitables & that there will be mistakes made is one thing, dealing with all of these when they actually have to happen is another. Death is something we all know is an inevitable, it is taught that life can be prolonged with certain healthy diets & exercise, and true as that may be, any breath can be taken when God deems it; so no matter how healthy a person is death is inevitable.

Now we as humans tend to try to play that role of God at times (i.e. Doctors, Vets, parents, siblings) or not really play the role but use the divine wisdom as guidance. Marcus & I are at that stage with Bear. We learned this morning that he has cancer. Lymphoma to be correct. We can use chemotherapy to prolong his life for about 18 months but as it is the same with humans it is a terrible treatment to the body. There is prednizone pills that will help him gain a little weight, relieve the pain and prolong his life for about 3-4 months possibly. No matter what he will not be with us much longer. Here is where you pray for that divine wisdom, where you beg for that guidance, that compassion & understanding of the inevitables and all of a sudden you actually wish for things that we all seem to ignore: that sweet sleeping surrender of old age. How we all wish to pass from this life painlessly & comfortably. Those two qualities define so many things. No one wants to see suffering, no one ever wants to acknowledge that he or she allowed someone else to be in pain. Selfish develops new definitions. Marcus & I face those options, those opportunities for divine wisdom to bless upon us, the guidance to help our youngest "child" leave this world happy and comfortable; and for us to not be selfish, but oh how the preparation is not there. Even as I type I know the answer, but there is timing, there is a decision that just should not be in our lowly hands. We are not the divine, we are mere mortals who no more can explain the reasons for why these things happen nor can we understand why time seems so short and against us.

What we do understand is the need for comfort and for that feeling of being whole before leaving this world. So we know we will hurt when he is gone, we will grieve for the loss of a best friend, a protector and "child", but we will know that he loves us unconditionally. We will work to make his last days/week/moments filled with his favorite treats, no fussing, just love. Please pray for us that we will be strong enough when the moment comes and that we will be able to be strong for him. There is nothing in the world that truly prepares someone for this decision all we can hope for is that he lived a wonderful life, that we were good parents, and that we made his time here a good memory to keep him comfort wherever in heaven God needs a watchdog, because he will have the best...

I am so sorry for the sad post, for the ramblings, but I needed to type this today.

1 comment:

  1. Courtney! I am so sorry for what is going on down there and I wish I could be there for you and Marcus! I love you two so much and bear..well bear made me laugh. There were times that I was "afraid" of him because he was just so big..but once I finally learned that he's all bark and just wants to play and be loved I enjoyed him even if I thought that doggy slobber was gross so I didn't play much with him. I do know what you're going thru and no matter how you look at it, it sucks. Just remember that he had a great life with AMAZING "parents" and that he'll be waiting for you up there just like he was waiting for you everyday when you came home, ready to play and love you.


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