Psalm 34:17-20 “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.”
John 15:18 If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.
Lamentations 3:31-33 ”For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men”
So this is the pain of rejection, of words on a page that bring you to your knees. I thought I knew what it felt like. I’ve been that girl that wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough or too curvy or too short or the girl who is being punished because of things shes done – the world’s accusations beat and batter against you like the tide to the shore, slowly eroding layer after layer. I know that for some these simple phrases do not cut but for years I held onto them, never letting my eyes see myself as God sees me. Then for a brief moment of time I lived surrounded by the most diverse set of people and they all saw me differently but I am so very grateful that for the most part they saw me as this Southern, sweet, caring soul and they embraced my ‘flaws’ , lifted me with their words and actions, became my friends and family. God placed them in my life, strangers, who knew nothing of where I was from or where I was going and I became different, stronger in my weaknesses and happier in my sorrows. It was the Spirit leading them to my life and I to theirs.
Then life phase 3 came at me headstrong and wanting to tear my layers apart. The enemy really knows how to break us down. He chips away at each insecurity trying to get us to forget that God can do anything and we can do anything when we have God. This morning, at 9:50 a.m., the first of what I now classify as Category 5 rejection (on a 5 being the worst) I saw in my inbox the name of a birthmother. It was an update from our Social Worker “R”. “Good morning! I wanted to let you know as soon as I heard that ‘birthmother’ has chosen a couple and you were not the one she chose.” Yep, instantaneous pressure on my chest, shifting pain from my eyes to my toes, a tension that wasn’t there seconds before rolled down my back and I couldn’t stop the tears. They came, rushing, silent and painful. I never expected it to cut so deep. After all these years of just believing that no was forever the answer and just recently truly believing the yes possibilities…like vapor one of our options is gone. Flitted away as a whisper and mourned now because of its impact. I will not apologize for the tears, for succumbing today to the sadness that we are not part of that child’s plan. We know and believe that God has the best laid plans for us…but to tell you that I handled rejection with ease, that the words on the page were merely dusted off my heart would be the biggest lie I have ever told. It hurts. It rips me up knowing that we are no longer an option in that race. We have been removed for whatever reason. I won’t lie and say I don’t now think about our profile “Is there something we left out or shouldn’t have put in? Would she have liked us better if we had this or that or a picture of this or a story about that?” In my weakest moments these questions will be on repeat and I will need to let God be my strength so that it does not eat me alive. I focused on some tasks at home this evening and began to stand up a little straighter when the second email pinged on my phone. Category 5 continued to spin out of control: Birthmother number two has also decided to select another couple. The next 2 hours I found my personal bottom for the day. It lies somewhere between Pizza Hut thin crust cheese pizza and a large Mountain Dew. Yes, I ate a little bit of my feelings, but M made me laugh. He mourned a loss that in some ways makes no sense but it is there nonetheless. He doesn’t know how to comfort me during these moments; he is saddened but he doesn’t want both of us to be sad so he played some great songs, hugged me until I blew snot, let me stand motionless and sad in the kitchen then he reminded me of God’s timing, of His plans, of His grace and of who I am in Christ. My mind races and to calm it I am searching the scriptures, searching my heart and leaning with all the breath I have on God and M. Please pray for the birthmothers who just made the biggest decision of their lives, pray for us as we move forward, pray for our peace in these things when we do not understand and pray that tonight when I lay my head on the pillow that my tears slow, my heart softens and my dreams are full of His words of great plans for all who believe in Him.
As always, thank you for being our village.
Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.