Courtney S. Barr

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Monday, January 26, 2015

Trust in Him & Keep moving forward....

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go, He’s the one who will keep you on track.”

Proverbs 3:5,6 (The Message)

It’s been a few weeks. The world has turned a couple times. Newsfeeds have been full of resolutions, changes, stagnancies, deaths, births and all the events that define the lives we are living. Each day I peruse the various social media outlets that I enjoy. Instagram is my favorite – the pictures, quotes, ideas; behind it is Pinterest – there is nothing like seeing so many neat ideas, cool places to visit and recipes to indulge in; then there is Facebook – photos, articles, pictures, videos ; each one gives me various levels of happy. There are things that I have to scroll past, the articles about children being murdered, abused; animals mistreated and left to die; negative comments that pull me into a cycle of sadness and anything that causes me to be judgmental or harsh. I work hard to keep those things at bay.

I’ve learned and accepted that I am truly an introvert. That being said – if I have struggled with small talk with any of you, please know I do apologize and that it is also something I work on daily. I’m beginning to embrace the emotional parts of being an introvert, the deep connections that I attach to ideas, stories, people, pets and moments. It can be exhausting how emotional I get over things, but I love that stoic is not in my demeanor. Granted the fact that stoic usually associates with no complaining (I do complain – again it falls on the beautiful long list of work in progress personality traits) would be good – but enduring each hardship and pain without showing my feelings is definitely not my way.

All of this is to preface my current state of mind. I’m overwhelmed by the emotional difficulty I’ve had with our profile that we must create for our birthmother. Yes we answered 2000 questions and have written autobiographies. Yes we are doing physicals, bloodwork, house adjustments and mental shifts throughout this process. Yes we are fundraising, praying for financial supernatural blessings from God and doing all we can to financially provide for this process. All of that was and is draining, emotional and self-explorative – but this, this 30 page profile is the largest boulder I’ve encountered. I hit the wall with it a few weeks back. I was easily placing photos of Stable Boy M, Duchess K  and myself. Great photos, candid shots, funny shots, silly shots…I was writing blurbs about our life, our interests, some repeated from the autobiographies, some not then it happened. I printed a copy. I held it in my hands and burst into tears. These pages, these pictures are our “Sell Packet” our “Romance Copy” the information shewill hold in her hands. She  will look at this and see us – this family that is desperately wanting to be a part of her family, to raise the child she  is already so terrified to be carrying. I cannot imagine how she feels, I cannot even begin to think about how I would be, how I would see these families laid before me. I wept for her. I still do when I think about this in detail. I know that God will guide us both: me to complete this and her to love us. I trust in Him with every part of our adoption. I rely on Him with every nuance, every emotional high and low – He is my comforter. I repeat these things often and here I am typing them, because writing is part of His process He gave me to share my life and my emotions. 

I’m writing this to ask you to pray for me as I complete this packet for her. Pray that Stable Boy M and I find the words, find the way to portray who we are, to maybe give her the tiniest smidge of comfort during this time and that she somehow, some way, feels that we love her and that our request to be a family is genuine and full of all the best we have. Thank you all for keeping up with our journey, for loving us so much and for reminding me daily of the support system we have – I pray that somehow your support of us is extended to support her in this time. We will keep moving forward and excitedly work towards the family He is providing...

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.”

Isaiah 40:31


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