Courtney S. Barr

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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

I Lean Not on My Own understanding...

“I lean not on my understanding…

my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven….”

Proverbs 3:5 

Lyric: Will Reagan & the United Pursuit “Nothing I Hold Onto”

This is a lyric…a bible verse…and my current mantra.

We have accepted that our timing is useless. We are open vessels asking to be filled with the light and love of our savior. He asks us very little, but that we give Him our worries, our burdens, our desires and most importantly our heart.

These past few weeks have been supernaturally touched. 

We cannot explain it nor will we truly try. We only hope that we continue to do what is asked with open eyes and hearts, relying on the knowledge that He will never let us fall completely to the ground, nor will He abandon us, He is always right there – waiting for us to seek Him.

I never expected to find such solace in the crazy moments of life. He never gives us more than we can handle. We often overcomplicate situations and search for the drama because we feel that is what we are supposed to do. His graciousness has been overwhelming of late. In the best way possible, I have cried, and cried and cried and cried. He has brought me to my knees and you all were there…our village is more than I imagined when we started this journey. It was a phrase I clung to because I knew that there would be days where I needed to escape in the knowledge that there were others out there, praying for us, thinking of us and acknowledging our new path – it was a sort of safety net at first. Now it is evolving, you are all actual members of our village. I see it through “likes” on facebook, through emails of encouragement, through networking of my art, through happy thoughts shared on Instagram, through our small group, through the doors that are swinging open for us to move in so many directions and by the way my heart is soaring with every morning.

I would shout to rooftops if we were in a large city – standing atop a skyscraper, arms open wide, praising His goodness. I’ve always had faith, I’ve always known He is my rock, but now He is even more…more than light, more than life, more than happiness, more than joy, more than sorrow, more than understanding – He is good. I now tell my story, my earthly story, with pride. No longer do I think about the scars on my body as ugly or a reminder of how I lack some integral part of being the girl I once was – yes I am different, but I am a masterpiece. I am not perfect to the standards that surround me daily, but for Him I am perfect, unique and so precious.  I was called out this week by a friend “How do you trust Jesus after all that you’ve been through?” In hindsight I was so surprised that I wasn’t caught off guard – I knew my answer “Because, He knows better than I do.” It rolled off so quickly and with a sense of freedom that I never knew I could feel. He loves me. He knew that we would be here, searching, seeking, discovering and relishing His gifts. He knew better.

We met with Social Worker “R” for the last interview that meets State & Federal requirements. We now have only to get our physicals and submit our dogs’ rabies history to be truly complete with the first HUGE step in all this: the Home Study. It is something that blows my mind. We are now in the step of creating our Profile. A book/summary/glimpse into who we are as a family wanting to grow. In it we will place photos, tell about ourselves and basically “sell” how awesome we are. For my dear sweet “M”, this is simple – he is ALWAYS awesome. For me, it is stumbling, I want to be as truthful as possible, that they see us for exactly who we are & in that, you catch yourself overthinking a great deal of the time. God will give me the words and they will be what we need to say – this I know. 

Learning to lean on understanding while not always understanding isn’t as simple as it probably should be. I let the world in and it confuses so much – I must guard my heart. The road ahead is crazy cool and fun and terrifying and so much more than I ever thought possible. We don’t even have this child yet and he/she is already teaching us so much. We pray for the birthmother daily, whispering to an unknown woman/girl who needs to know that she is loved, that she is a gift and that she is so much stronger than she thinks. When you think of us and you pray for us, pray for her & our child as well…they need the love that lifts and moves mountains. Please do this, my sweet and wonderful village. You lift my heart daily…please do hers as well.

Don’t be anxious about anything, but pray in everything with thanksgiving. Then the incomprehensible peace of God will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

For current Art for Adoption items please go to our Adopting in Alabama Facebook page; for custom orders please don't hesitate to contact me directly clsbarr(at)yahoo(dot)com - already you all have done so much and we can barely begin to express our gratitude...this simple thank you feels so small in comparison but know it is from the deepest part of us....

 

 

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