Friday, March 29, 2013
I never thought of myself as an outlaw. But then again I often find myself trying to skirt boundaries, so it may not be a stretch at times. No, really, the truth is in the freedom.
I write because I cannot help it. It is a being trapped inside me that is eager to share its ideas, stories, nightmares… I dream vividly. I always have. I don’t think there is a part of my brain that would let me not dream in story form; so many of my characters began/begin in dreams. I see faces in my dreams – and no they are not family members or people I know. There have been times that my scientific friends tell me it is people I see on the street, yes it’s very possible, but I often like to think that they are truly organic -that my imagination is mine alone to share.
That is where I am the outlaw. My characters definitely don’t play by the rules. They are often obstinate, difficult, exasperating, hilarious and terrifying. They surprise me as well. Just today I was thinking of one of my female “friends”, she is in a state of shock and turmoil; a state where she should be falling apart yet resolution came to me swift. She will make it through this; I won’t have to tell her goodbye. That is wonderful. There are others though who skirt the rules and I have to watch them go. They are the outlaws, pushing their limits, losing their minds but they have a purpose, they have a reason and freedom is often the lead cause.
I write to survive. I write to see if the outlaws survive. I write because their stories, no matter if they are big or small within the context, are important and to ignore their stories is to create my own personal prison, where lockdown is madness and there is no recreational time. So yes freedom from mass identity, from personal prisons, from madness…it is all avoided so that survival is first and foremost in my mind each morning.
I write because I must.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
“It’s not what’s happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it’s your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you’re going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.”
We hear this from the get go. We must focus on the task at hand. What we don’t often hear or process is which task truly deserves my focus?What we choose to do with our time. The selection of the task is such an important thing, that the moment that we discover perhaps another task would be better or that we should shift our focus we find it easy to get a little lost. When a task is complete, yes that feeling of accomplishment is phenomenal but then we are met with that beginning question all over again. Each time the question leads us into the direction that determines who we are.
I often focus on the wrong thing, then have to turn re-evaluate what means the most to me. I over analyze and question myself too often. My decision of focusing on things that are mundane can be devastating. I feel like I’ve lost time, I’ve wasted opportunities, and that I’ve let myself down. I see those signs that say to “make each moment count” and for a fleeting moment I feel like I messed up & my moments become worthless.
As a Type A/Creative person this is beyond annoying. I cannot explain the frustration with wanting to focus, complete the task all the while this huge part of me that relishes creative freedom tells me to just relax and let it all go. What a war my own mind wages daily…comical if you relish the highly confused, over organized, lackadaisical writer.
However, just recently I took one of those moments to focus on “focusing”. I pondered how I often get sidetracked, how I allow self-doubt to slip in and how I know that I have every bit within me to accomplish my dreams and I found something…You see making each moment count is great, but really, my newest epiphany is that for me it’s the fact that I must accept that each moment of my life is inherently valuable. I don’t need to focus on making each moment count, they already matter. I just need to remember that focus as a verb is one exceptional word: (of a person or their eyes) Adapt to the prevailing level of light and become able to see clearly.
So long as I adapt to see clearly, then my focus is spot on.
Monday, March 18, 2013
So long as a person is capable of self-renewal, they are a living being.
-Henri Frederic Amiel
How satisfying to know that I am a living being.
My dreaming self has been in turmoil for the past few months. At night I find my mind has deep crevices of ideas, desires, nightmares and untruths. You see a very sneaky self-doubt has continued to creep into my current state of mind.
However for the past few weeks I have been on a trek, a journey, a walk where renewal is the theme. I am working on being a better Courtney; a woman who finds relief in the simplest aspect of life & realizes that the mundane is unimportant. Mundane must not be taken lightly. It is a term that can be used to reference the earthly part of our existence – lacking in spiritual depth. I don’t want to be that writer. The spiritual side of me, no matter what your beliefs, is what has kept me above the water’s surface rather than just treading it.
Faith has been a consistent topic on my blog in the past and it is because I am strong within it. I am not Catholic but I do choose to participate in Lent every year. It is purely because I feel that self-exploration and acknowledgement of habits/vices/addictions is healthy. My “fast” this year is a bit odd and has definitely met the challenging aspect of Lent. I gave up two things: caffeine & cursing. Sadly for your Royal Writer over here, the cursing is the hardest. You just don’t realize how often those horrible words feel the need to escape into the air. They appear to be trapped “beings” within you and when they are free they elicit a shiver of excitement. Yet they don’t earn any awards or accolades or honest smiles from those around you. Granted I do feel there have been some instances where words of the vulgar manner seem to be the best responses, yet I have refrained. Faith has kept me on my path; the knowledge that the journey is worth it – a journey in which I am renewing the woman from the inside out. Even though dark, doubting thoughts try to get me to stray. They try to make me give up.
You see I lost my way again, I really need a map. I lost my moment of clarity and decision. In all honesty, I let it slip away; I allowed my inner being to become something that I no longer see as healthy or beneficial to my dreams & goals. Self-Doubt has held court for too long. It is as though my Royal Advisor has been talking truth but instead I have been listening to my nemesis’ lies.
So today I return to this wonderful world that has always welcomed me with open arms. I am a living being, capable of self-renewal, capable of believing in her talents, capable of using her strengths, capable of selecting what is best, what is silly, what is useful, what is important and what is pure fun. The map I need is really right here. It resides in this place of renewal, in this path of light; where self-doubt is banished by the knowledge that faith will lead me home.