Faith Moved Mountains Pt. 5 Grateful

"I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.” Ps. 9:1

I landed in a heap that Monday. 
I tell you Village, that Monday my heart changed immensely. God had already begun a process in me, one that dove deep into recesses of my heart that I had never even fathomed. I had discovered a place carved for the birth-mother, a place carved for every rejection along the way, a place carved for dealing with pain that seemed endless, a place carved to explore loving M more than I thought I could, a place carved for you - dear Village; places hidden so deep that only God could lead me there. On that Monday, as we sat in a hospital room watching as two people signed papers that made the natural world see Everleigh as ours my heart became more. More invested in someone other than myself, more able to shift/change to see the value of others, more filled with light than I thought possible and more grateful than I've ever been...

M held Everleigh from the moment we left the family lounge, as they signed papers, as the two families breathed when the clock ticked away to that fateful hour of closure; he held her. Not me. I had held her for pretty much 42 of the 48 hours there. He was the one laying claim that morning. I will never forget a few minutes we had with our Nebraska lawyer alone. We spoke of how she had been doing this for quite some time, how when she got started she had not expected her work to be so monumental - but she gave glory - she spoke of how she was just honored to be a vessel that God could use to aid families during some of the hardest and most beautiful decisions they encounter. She spoke of her faith and how God has blessed her in this area of her life and beyond. We were blown away by her honesty and her heart. We mentioned the sweet Paralegal who had spoken for so long with me and who had expressed such kindness. We learned that the Paralegal had been adopted and also had adopted - God is great Village - He placed us along a journey filled with symbols and people who gave us great peace, comfort, hope and especially love.

After the papers were signed, that same lawyer stood among us, as we all were gathering diapers and wipes and clothes and things we had lived in for the past 48 hours she patiently waited before asking if we could all pause for a moment. I remember that intake of breath that passed through M and myself. We waited, hesitantly worried - we knew the paperwork was done - irreversible, yet the enemy will try to pick at those worries, those fears. God had been in that room for 48 hours, He wasn't relinquishing us anymore than M was letting Everleigh out of his sight. 

Lawyer: "Would you all mind if we had a word of prayer before I left?"

The room froze. 

M: "I think that would be great. Yes, yes. Thank you."

We all stood. I stood in front of M, beside the recliner that had been my bed for the weekend; the birth parents stood beside the hospital bed that they had made their camp in, my cousin stood beside me. We stood together - a unified group - as words tumbled from our lawyer's lips praying for peace, for comfort, for joy, for growth, for protection, for love and for honor of the God who had orchestrated this from the beginning. My gratefulness to God in His timing grew tenfold in those moments. I had endured years of screaming while driving home from work, hours of tears that coursed down red cheeks and hiccup sobs as the emails that softly said no while I loudly screamed why, I had faced changes in my own body - changes that I thought defined who I could be, I had accepted fears as truth only to finally face them with hope and promise, I had watched M battle with aggravation and frustration over timing, over selection and watched as he hurt with me every time the days had been dark and seemingly desolate - in that moment it all fell softly into place for this first journey into adoption. He seemed to be standing beside me rubbing my shoulders, squeezing me tightly and whispering words of peace into my heart. 

It hearkened back to the first time I remember being truly grateful - the first surgery - the first true time in my short life that I had faced fear of death, fear of loss, fear of not being enough. I remember the moment I found gratefulness during that journey - it was in a hospital room as well, only I was staring into the eyes of a woman who would soon know me and be a part of my story unlike any others, she was explaining what was going on, why I was in such pain and I felt that same whispering, that same comfort, through the spasms I felt good about her, about God placing her in that moment. I was still terrified but I didn't feel alone and I was grateful to Him for that promise. 

That Monday, standing there listening to this sweet woman speak words of light over us, I felt that same gratefulness. I was again terrified - not of danger or any issues with the paperwork - terrified because -Holy cow, they are going to let us leave with her? We are really parents! This is terrifying - we don't know anything about babies or have anything but a diaper bag and car seat! - that kind of terrified, but He knew that, He had already set that aside and was reminding me that this woman before me was here because she was the perfect one to be used to orchestrate the union of these families, to be standing here reminding ALL of us that none of this was by chance, that none of this was mere coincidence - no, He had done as He does - He had given us more and I couldn't have been more grateful. 

She finished and the birth family left before us as we got Everleigh into her car seat. She was so small, so tiny in that big seat and we climbed into our cousin's car for the hour drive. I let the world know on that drive. We called the first connects of family to let them know it was done - she was ours, then I created a slideshow, created a storybook of sorts for social media...that was the big one. We had asked for prayers, but because our Village is so huge, because it spans so far and wide the public post was the best and simplest way to say "SURPRISE, WELCOME TO THE WORLD, OUR BABY GIRL!!" It was the cork popping the champagne bottle of announcements and the messages rolled in, the phone calls came and tears of joy were shed.

We had one of those parent moments on the way to my aunt and uncle's house. We stopped at Target, red eyed, no shower, sleep deprived and dressed as though we had been on a 3 day bender. My cousin sat with Everleigh in the car as we scoured aisles, looking at the list our sweet nurse had made for us, and grabbing cute outfits along the way. We laughed as we walked to check out, pushing that buggy full of formula, baby items was surreal and was one of the highlights. We were parents in the most honest and real way in those moments.

Because of ICPC you must stay in the adoptive state for up to 10 business days while the receiving state and adoptive state get all their paperwork together. We were beyond blessed to have family so close by and to have them open up their home to us. In fact they had a bassinet (one that all my cousins on that side had slept in, that my own mother had once slept in), a rocker (that had also rocked my mother to sleep - God is amazing y'all, simply amazing), a fully furnished apartment/basement for us and more love than sweet Everleigh could ever imagine in her first week of life on Earth. 

That week we laughed, we ordered more Amazon baby items, ate tons of food, had her first baby shower and were blessed to be able to have my mother and sister fly up to see Everleigh and our extended family. The nights were not nearly as bad as so many spoke of with a newborn and honestly I'm not sure they ever will be - so long as that gratefulness remains in my heart. By the time it was the day to travel back home to Alabama it was bittersweet. We truly enjoyed the special time the three of us had to just settle into being family and the time we had with family that was so important, so special to our story. But there was more to the story to come and we were ready to see what was next.

She was only 8 days old when we took her on the plane. "Eight Days!!" -that was the chant of the day as strangers met her and saw her on the flights. We are forever thankful to Delta airlines and their attendants that weekend - they treated us as royalty.  

Coming home though...wow. Seeing Duchess with her for those first seconds in the airport and then the days following. Listening to her hum the Harry Potter theme song as Everleigh slept and watching her step so easily into the big sister role made my heart so very happy.

Then, of course, my dear sweet Village you all came tenfold for us, you brought us meals, you sent cards, you brought us gifts, you gave your time, you showered us with laughter and you gave love in every way that you could come up with. I still am behind on thank you cards and this is not replacing them at all - they will come! I'm too southern for them not to, but I will be honest there are many and that example of such great love overwhelms me in the most beautiful way. 

Everleigh is 5 months old now, just turned yesterday. She has 2 teeth with 3 breaking the skin as I type, she sits up beautifully and really is trying to walk instead of crawl (lol), she has been eating 'solid' foods for a month now and absolutely loves to bounce in her bouncer, she talks animatedly anytime you will listen. She has so much personality and we love every inch of her. She is a healthy 17 lbs and 26 inches long. My favorite new thing is how she likes to touch my face as she falls asleep, her tiny hand massages my cheek and rubs my nose as she closes her eyes against my shoulder. Sometimes her blue eyes open and she stares up at me as she moves, smiling wider the longer she stares. It melts me every time. That heart of mine, the one with all the hidden spots I didn't know about? It has more, I know that now. I know that when the opportunity to find a sibling for this beautiful princess occurs it will grow again - those pains of rejection might resurface but this time, this time I am going in with even more glory for God, even more gratefulness for His mercies, His gifts, His timing, His infinite knowledge of what is the BEST not just better humbles me every time I hear her "talk" to her toys or when she coos in her walker as she scoots backwards rather than forwards. Our story doesn't end here, it doesn't just stop and we are now just parents - no if anything our story is just beginning. We have new chapters now, new arcs and climaxes yet to come. We have new family - we keep in close contact with her birthmother and are so honored to get to do so. We have new goals, responsibilities and new ideals of what life can be.  We have so many reasons to do as He asks - to tell of His greatness, that His trials and tribulations are parts of your story - He is never not with you so don't ever think those trials are done without His support, they are often His desire to bring you closer to Him and to learn how to give it all to Him. 

Thank you dear Village for following this short series on how we saw Mountains move by Faith, how we were privileged to walk through storms, to feel the batter of mighty winds but to see the Prince of Peace through it all. We never expected this, we never even dreamed that this really would be where we would be standing - none of it is due to anything we've done/not done - it is all His grace, His mercy, His truth, His promises. We give this beautiful daughter of the King of Kings to Him, we dedicate our lives to making sure she is aware of Him, that she sees Him when she sees us and that she knows we are not perfect but in Him we can find the type of perfect love that transcends all things and that He loves her so very much.

Life is unpredictable. We are ill equipped if we try to travel this life without God, we can get by, we can live what seems to be an okay life - but true fulfillment can only be found if you have asked God into your heart and you've decided to let go - to give Him every single thing that comes across your path - there will be things you want to cling to, things that you think you can handle...don't box Him in. He is a big God. He wants your anger, your sadness, your disappointment, your sorrow, your happiness, your joy, your love, the big things, the small stuff...He wants all of you, because He loves all of you - the misgivings, the flaws, the fears, the worries, the beauty, the broken...He LOVES IT ALL. He is the only one who sincerely sees every bit of you, knows every bit of you and is in LOVE with every bit of you - no wavering, no conditions, no issues, no maybes - He. Loves. It. All!! What a beautiful truth! 

Village, if you haven't gotten to know Him, if you haven't given Him all of you, take heart - there is no time limit, there are no requirements to be better before you go to Him, there is nothing you've done - wanted to do - not done that will keep Him from loving you. Truth is...He already does. He is just waiting for you to lean in. So do. Ask Him into your heart - those recesses that you think are full or dark, nope, He can get there. Give Him your heart, your life, your cares and let a peace beyond all that you will ever understand fill you. 

One warning, it isn't just one and done. You will probably have to make this choice and do this every day, sometimes more than once a day - no worry, He forgives all you've done, gives second chances more than there are drops in the ocean if you just go to Him, give Him your mistakes, ask Him to forgive and open yourself to all He has for you. I have to do it daily, I have to choose Him daily. I want Him to hear from me every day, to know I love Him every day and to know that those days before I gave Him everything do not define me nor do they change how He sees me. I am a daughter of the King of Kings, my hope lies in Him who created the sun and moon and earth, I come from a place of Victory, this world is not my home, I am raising a daughter of the King of Kings - a Princess, and it is with Him I will run to when the days are long, Him I will teach her of when she seeks refuge and it is Him who I pray that you dear Village come to know, come to seek and discover love like no other. For He is the giver of great and beautiful things...don't you want that in your life?

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17

Faith MOVED Mountains, Pt. 4 – Trust and Leaps

Trust in Him at all times, O’ people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. Psalms 62:8

It was super early at the airport.

Duchess dropped us off with hugs, heavy heart (she had class Monday and couldn’t go with us, plus the puppy brothers needed supervision) and prayers. I remember walking into the security and thinking that this may be one of the few remaining times we travel so light. We get to our gate, both tired but so buoyed by excitement for this next step that we can’t stop fidgeting.

We watch other people around us, wondering what their destination is, wondering if their journey is as HUGE as ours…we hold hands, we lean on each other and we pray. The boarding begins and flight number 1 is ready for take-off. We began counting the hours down until we would meet the baby who would hopefully be ours.

I remember that we didn’t talk a lot on the flights. Both of us put headphones on and dove into worship and praise music. We just listened, watched the window and prayed. Prayer was constant. It filled us more than the air it seemed for those hours…

But God spoke. He sent us some messages in those smooth flights, the rainbow He sent that seemed to wrap around us and in the peace we felt with every passing cloud.

We snacked on Bananas, popcorn and Biscoff cookies – thank Delta for those delicious cinnamon biscuits.

When we touched down in Omaha I remember us looking at each other and trying to just take that second, that moment before we ran full steam into the unknown, and into the exciting hope that lay before us. We both took our phones off airplane mode to see the following information: our birth-mother was dilated to 4 cm. She was coming soon.

While we were touching down, our birth-mother was in labor. Technically she had started the 6 hours she was in labor right when we got to the airport back home. Our sweet baby was ready to meet us, God's timing is precious and perfect in all things.

The hospital is one town over and so we knew that there was drive time ahead.

When we saw my cousin in the airport, waiting to pick us up, her face lit up and the three of us hugged while we walked. We were chittering like children it seemed as we headed towards her parked car. M was blown away at my family resemblance (he had never met the majority of my cousins from up North) and so we chatted about that before we focused on the drive.

It was while we were leaving the airport that the first picture of our sweet baby girl surfaced on my cousins’ phone. 

I remember the tears silently slipping down my cheeks and the elation on M’s face as he stared at the picture. I remember the worry TRY to slip in, the fear TRY to slip in but I kept clinging to the words on the radio, to the songs in my head….the flight had been full of promise and hope, I wasn’t going to just let that worship slip away.

Silent moments filled the drive, then we all would chatter then the silence would return. Tears never stopped. We pulled into the hospital. I remember not knowing what to take in, what bags to grab, what items we needed, if any…I just was helpless in a moment. Needing to grab something. So I did. I grabbed M’s hand and we walked into the double doors to meet our daughter.

I won't deny that I was terrified that we wouldn't get through the doors, that some Ogre or something was going to tell us "Turn around, you have no business here." But with every step no Ogre appeared.

Do know that the hospital was very aware that this was an adoptive parent/birth parent situation. They wanted to make sure we were conscientious of certain things…one thing in particular – for the next 48 hours, birth-mom is still in control. Until she signs, until Monday at 12:23 p.m. she still holds all the cards. Remember last post about guarding hearts? This is why. 

We knew this going in, most adoptive parents know, its your job to understand the state you are adopting from and its laws on children, birth-mothers and proceedings. You NEED to know, you NEED to understand – whether you agree with them or not – they are important. 

We knew the 48 hours wouldn’t be easy, but they were there, they were a part of our process and they were important to us and to the woman who we would be meeting very soon.

I remember nurse D when she came first to the window to see us, to tell us where we could go; she was stern, you could tell she was the birth-mother’s assigned nurse but more than that…she was a barrier, a buffer, a protector of sorts for the young woman who had just given birth. At first, I thought she disapproved, I thought the emotion she was projecting was because maybe she didn’t want the baby to be given for adoption…

God, my dear Village, He is by far so much smarter than we are.

We followed her, down a hall, up an elevator and to a floor where you must press a buzzer and state the name of your family member to be let in. I remember saying her name. I remember the small hospital bracelet being placed on my wrist that carried her name, the woman I wanted to shower with love, to let her know her worth and somehow let her know that even if she changes her mind in the next 48 hours, she is still everything and MORE than what I can shower her with. I had expected it to be heavy, to speak her name, but it wasn’t. Again, that special part of my heart had already given her a home. 

We stepped through and were led to a family lounge, a waiting area, while the baby was being cleaned up. We weren't sure when, where we would meet anyone. Then our sweet baby's maternal grandmother and birthfather came in. I will never, ever forget the first time I laid eyes on her birthfather. He was holding back tears and as if we had all known each other for centuries, he hugged Marcus and I both. I cried, telling him we loved him, he cried telling us how beautiful she is and how amazing everything had gone.

Then we talked, cried and talked some more. Then the nurse came to lead us to the nursery. The birthfather and maternal grandmother went back to the labor room.

We had no idea what to expect. We were trying not to cry, not to ask too many questions, just to follow, step by step as we leaned into wherever God was leading us.

Then we stepped into the nursery. A nurse stood to the side, our nurse D told them who we were and then we stepped into an adjoining room. A young doctor was lifting a baby, turning her side to side, checking her out, looking at the remaining gunk all over her and motioned us over. Nurse D introduced us. The doctor paused, I will never forget that pause, he looked at us, just stared for a heartbeat and then smiled. He introduced himself and we shakily said hello. The precious squirming gift he held so easily was our daughter. He introduced her to us, then handed her to me and a bottle. My baby’s first meal and my first real tangible moment with what hope and faith creates. 

I cried. 

Sobbed a little as she took those first sips and M, he stood beside me, tears rolling saying how beautiful she was. We melted then, just melted. The doctor, nurses they watched as I sat in a rocker and spoke to her. They watched as M held my shoulder and spoke to her. My dear cousin stood beside us and cried, telling us how beautiful she is.We had a few more moments before nurse D (who had slipped out) returned to tell us we all were wanted in the labor room - this was it, we were meeting the woman I had pictured and prayed for, the woman who had made a decision that my heart ached for and the woman who was showing me a visual example of selfless love...

I remember seeing her face, beautiful yet tired, the length of her hair - so long and the weariness in her smile. I cannot imagine her thoughts. I hugged her, tight, whispered to her the gift she is and cried again. In all honesty in that singular moment I wanted the world to fall away and the two of us to just be for a bit - to talk about what she had given us, what she had given our beautiful daughter. This life, this beautiful soul sitting beside me in a hospital was more family to me in that moment than my blood relatives. We share something very special now, something that bonds me to her in thought and prayer in a way that I cherish so much. 

We all talked a bit and then they brought E back into the room. From that moment forward the 5 of us (birth mom, birth dad, M, Everleigh and myself) began what we lovingly refer to as camping out in a hospital. 

We all "lived" in that small room and in the family room down the hall from that moment forward. We ate together for most meals and when birth parents caught up on much needed rest, we spent hours with the nurses and staff asking questions on newborns, listening to their advice and learning so much about what we had in store. We were honored to share in the knowledge that some of the staff had experienced adoptions themselves - some had been a birth mother, some had family members who were adopted and a few were the adopted members of their families. God, He is a wise one. lol. We were loved on in a way that just any one wouldn't have known to love on us. Our birth family was loved on in a way that a typical scenario might not have been able to be such an impact on it all. 

Monday came quickly. I woke up first, well Everleigh woke up first and I took her down the hall to the family lounge. I remember staring at her, just staring at the faces she made as she slept in my arms. It was then, alone, in that room that the sobs came. I had not cried since those first hours in the hospital, I'd been the one saying "God has this, no more worries, everything will be fine." I was guarding my heart with fortress strength walls and there in that little room, alone singing to her sweet face my walls crumbled, fear crept in and I began the REAL countdown. The 4 hours until the papers would be signed, the 4 hours until we truly knew whether or not she was ours. 

The Holy Spirit comes in so many forms and manners. A photographer came to take newborn pictures of Everleigh just as I was shaking with sobs. 

She was so kind, smiling and handing me a tissue. Then she stooped in front of us and said "These can wait if you'd like, I understand you are adopting her and today you discharge, right?" 

I gave her a snotty, sniffling yes.

She paused. Standing up straight for a moment to look at us then the room.

She looked at Everleigh and at me. "You know, she is sleeping so sound in your arms. I just don't think she is going anywhere else today. Why don't we set up some shots?"

That sentence from a stranger who had no control, who couldn't have told you our birth family's last name, yet stood before me and told me she was mine in the most subtle and sweet matter of fact manner. I laughed. 

She handed me another tissue and began moving chairs around. I blew my nose, apologized and stood up with Everleigh. She walked over to me.

"Let's try the window area and get some good light. Why don't you place her and I will arrange her as needed. You stay close to her though in case she gets restless."

That was that. I began to dry up my tears and we laughed as she arranged Everleigh in various positions, as we moved her around the small space and as she took some of the most amazing photos in the family lounge of the hospital. She left to get everything uploaded and I sat down. Completely at peace. When M woke and came down, I had already bought in, everything was on the table, God had all my chips and the leap I had already began running for so many years before was coming in for a landing. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Faith Moved Mountains, Pt. 2 – There is no limit to what God can handle

Job 11:7 Can you find out the deep things of God? Can you find out the limit of the Almighty?

I hate to say it but we all tend to attempt to push the limits of God. We test Him even when we don’t realize it. We box Him in and then we find ourselves standing on top of a Mountain when we began in the depths of a Valley.

We were overcome with giggles that night. What you all don’t know is we had just decided to place our home on the market. Only one week, to the day, prior we had sat down with our realtor and decided to push the button. For 3 years we had hemmed and hawed over this decision. M was terrified that wrapping the monies we had so carefully set aside for a child would be hindered by the things to be ‘fixed’ within the house or that refinancing may be better or what if we can’t find a new home in the financial realm of our reality? I am the ultimate optimist when it comes to what God can do in these situations. Now, as you know, days of lows can easily seep in – but on the whole my optimism (dreamer mentality as M calls it) outnumbers the down days every year. So there I sat a fabulous Bistro in Tuscaloosa assuring my husband that everything would be fine. God has this. 

Then the realtor asked “What about the adoption?” 

we looked at each other and said “It is what it is.We have been in a holding pattern for years now and its time we just let Him truly have it all and know that we will be equipped to handle whatever He gives us because He will be in it.” 

She smiled and said ‘Okay, we will get the house staged, photos up and on the market on 10/31.” 

We continued our conversation, we also mentioned that in August of 2016 we had pre-paid and booked a BIG trip for the Duchess’ graduation for the first week of January 2017, again, something we had hesitated over in case a baby came – but we needed to do this – Duchess deserved the 10 days in Hawaii and we were taking that leap, asking about the limits He might have.

So, that night, when everything was an option; we sat staring at the home we have loved and lived in for 10 years. We laughed. A lot. We had already started boxing and shifting things and now…there was a glimmer,  a spark, that could make this transition as chaotic as any transition we’d ever experienced.

The next day was research. 

I called my Alabama Social Worker to get details about the Bama side of things. When you go through domestic adoption, you learn a great deal about terms like: ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children – basically the rules/laws of adopting a child from one state to another). Social Worker R was at a conference and I couldn’t get her immediately. The OCD crazy planner in me went into FULL SWING. Google, praise Jesus for Google, was my training on Nebraska lawyers. Now, Village, you need to know that as in all things God was there – even for the tiniest of things, the internet searches. The first firm that popped up sounded nice so I called. Sweet as they were, when I mentioned their experience with ICPC….they said “What is that?” I politely told them and they said “No, we only do adoptions within state lines.” On their recommendation I googled the Nebraska Bar Association. Guys, Nebraska is not highly populated, but there are BUNCHES of lawyers. I filtered to ones who specialized in Adoption, then the Holy Spirit didn’t whisper He kind of nudged my  heart. I wanted a female. I cannot explain it, but I did. Our Alabama lawyer is male and he is fabulous; but something led me to female. So I filtered. What is funny is that one of my cousin’s first name is the same first name of the lawyer that first popped up. In my sleep deprived, excited, full of hope logic that meant she was the one. Guys, she was. I happened to choose a woman who helps write Nebraska adoption laws, who is one of the most revered adoption attorneys in the state. After speaking for over an hour with her assistant I was convinced that if this was to happen, she was our lawyer.

Now for the fear factor: You see the lawyer cannot contact the birthparents – that would be solicitation. This lawyer would be representing the birthparents through the process (adoptive parents must cover the costs, but this lawyer is there to protect the birthparents from any shenanigans and to insure the ICPC is properly filed and distributed back to the receiving state.) So, the fear resides in the fact that the birthparents must willingly go to the lawyers’ office, tell them why they are there and then begin the paperwork process of giving their child to someone else. We feared they wouldn’t go, that this was a hopes dashed situation. When you guard your heart for so many years and you hear the “they went another way; they changed their minds; they didn’t choose you; I’m sorry it isn’t going to happen” 41 separate times in the past years fear is standard operating procedure. We also were praying for their peace and comfort, that the birthparents would be able to find the peace that only God can give and that whatever the outcome the child would be born, would be born into a place of love and that God would have His opportunity to bring more than just a child into the hearts of all involved.

Armed with my information I touched base with my cousin. This was Thursday. I gave her the information of the attorney for the family to contact. She passed everything along. Then Friday happened, then Saturday, then Sunday and on Sunday evening she and I discussed the fact that she had not heard back from them since the previous Thursday. I didn’t let me faith waiver. We prayed. We talked and I chose not to let M know that they had been radio silent for the past 4 days. I wanted to protect his heart. He excitedly talked every day about “our baby girl” and I couldn’t shatter that with unknowns. Monday came and went. No response. Tuesday came and went. No response. It was another Wednesday when the update came. My cousin called: “Courtney, they still want to go through with it. They still want to give you the baby. They are meeting with the attorney on Friday. She has a doctor’s appointment at 3 p.m. then they go to the attorney at 4 p.m.”

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

I had basically told M that everything was fine up until that phone call. I remember stepping outside my office. I walked to a tulip tree beside the side window and sat on the dirt. I dialed his number. I had been shaking, crying even when he answered but I dried it up and asked “So you still want to be a daddy?” He said “Yes! Did they meet with the lawyer?” I told him the details and he got emotional as well. We talked and talked for about 20 minutes over the details. Then he said: “You need to tell Duchess, first, before anyone else, make sure she knows.” I hung up the phone and walked to the opposite side of the building. I made the call. “Duchess, are you ready to be a big sister?” I have no idea where she was in that moment, no idea what she had been doing but the emotions coming through that phone were unmistakable. She got emotional then the questions came – we had told no one details at all, we had asked some family and friends to pray, that mountains were moving, but no one but those involved knew the story. I gave her everything. In that moment, sharing it with her was one of the highlights of our journey.

Back to waiting for Thursday to come and go; our sweet Princess was due to come into this world exactly one week from that Thursday. I could barely work. But I did. I even began preparing some work related things just in case she delivered on time and I would possibly be out the next weekend. That Thursday night we worked on packing more things in the house. Our home was stacks of boxes, crates, furniture to sell, to pack, closets to go through, everything. We were still set to stage and sell by 10/31. It was 10/13. We had plenty of time. ;o)

Friday morning I was a mess. Just antsy and waiting to hear how the day would go. Praying incessantly that God would comfort our hearts, that if this baby was to be ours that these birthparents would go the appointments and that we would have an update in the evening.

Remember that sense of humor I mention often in my posts…..yes, God’s timing is better than what we could imagine.

Next up: Pt. 3 – prepare for timing and you prepare in vain, just let His timing be what it is: amazing

Get ready, Village, I've finally taken the moments, pulled the notes that I wrote while it all happened and penned the parts up to the present...so here they all come....

As much as you want to plan your life…God has a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier than you originally planned.

If Faith can move mountains...

10/12/16

Let the mountains move.

We are waiting...as we always seem to type. This time though, my words are heavy with prayer and petition and thanksgiving. God has laid a hope on our hearts that has surpassed all the rest so far in this journey. We know that He goes before us, that He is fighting our battles, that He promises good things, that His plans are good and that trials/tribulations are to be seen as perseverance and a favor to God, for endurance brings us closer to Him with every passing moment/day/year.

This week we are asking our prayer warriors to please lift up our journey. To lift up the birthmother and child that God has chosen for us. He knew their names, He knew their birth dates before we even existed and we are believing in His infinite wisdom and timing.

We know that He has prepared for us, for these days and for all that we desire. We know that faith can move mountains and mountains are moving whether we see them at this moment or later.

We are lifting our eyes, our hearts to the Lord of all Creation. He knows what we desire and His promises are true. This day, this week we are praying the following verses & we invite you to please pray these for any situation you are encountering in life right now:

Deut 31:8

It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Exodus 14:14

The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.

2 Chronicles 20:12-17

Be not afraid, or dismayed at this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but Gods. You shall not need to fight in this battle; take your positions, stand still and see the deliverance of the Lord.

Romans 8:37

In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Zech. 4:6

‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit’, says the Lord of hosts.

We welcome your prayers and know that we are praying for you all. Our Village has been such an important part of all of this journey and continues to be so. Know that we love you all.

With love.

Yetis, Rollercoasters, And Birthmothers

Veni. Vidi. Amavi.

We came. We saw. We loved.

I’ve wanted to do an update for about two weeks now…as it all began…my fingers just haven’t been at the keyboard really. Yet today I laughed at a picture from our weekend getaway and it brought me back, back to moments of reflection, gratefulness and humility. 

Have you ever stood in line for a rollercoaster? Waiting in the que as the line winds closer and closer to the moment you will step foot into a vehicle that is going to sling you every which way at high speeds, big climbs and dangerous drops; excitement wars with anxiousness every time I get ready to ride one. I say a simple prayer for safety and then I just let it all go. I trust the mechanics, the operator, the set design, the track, the vehicle and the weather. Every component is just given away, let go of and all I put my energy into is the sheer fun of riding “Everest” to find the Yeti who tore the track in two. I buy into the fun of the story we traveled while standing in a 25 minute line for a 90 second ride. There are truths and lies along the way. Disney is the master at developing a ‘que’ that sucks you in. They spare no inch of your environment in order to tell the story of the attraction you are on. Sometimes there are real animal/climate/travel facts and sprinkled here and there are the ‘embellishments’ to the legend/lore that makes the ride a fairytale flash bomb. It is genius and wonderful. 

We were so beyond blessed to get to get away for the weekend. I’ve been tightly wound for a few weeks now and we had planned this trip really right after Thanksgiving last year. Thankful for travel reward point systems that allow us to do all of this on a fabulous budget while still being able to save for the family we have coming to us.

Lately we’ve been on rollercoasters in the most literal and figurative ways. As we climbed the big hill at Expedition Everest in Disney World last weekend for the second time I couldn’t help but laugh. M sat beside me giddy as a 12 year old and laughing out loud at the sheer fun of flying around that track. I'm so grateful to have the truth of a fabulous partner in life like M. His zest for enjoying every bit of the process is contagious and he is my rock on more than one occasion lately. 

In the past two weeks we have been honored to be able to have our profile available for 3 birthmothers. THREE! Guys, that’s crazy awesome. Please, please keep us in your prayers…just pray hard for the birthmothers and those babies the most, even before us. We know that these women are facing decisions that are the biggest in their lives, we know that God has them and those children in His hands and we know that no matter what…no matter if they choose us, choose to parent or choose another couple the most important thing is that they know they are loved. This is the lesson He has had us learning to discern from the get go. We want children. So badly that I cried watching a line of children sing and dance as they followed Daisy & Donald around the tables of Tusker House in Animal Kingdom – I couldn’t stop the flow, I couldn’t hold it in, and I couldn’t stop smiling at the same time as I stared at M across the table. He grabbed my hand and told me he loved me and ‘our time is coming’.

He is right. I knew it even before he said it, but saying it sometimes is very important; speaking it out loud strikes a chord and had me feeling God’s presence almost immediately. I had prayed a very specific prayer 3 weeks ago and God answered within almost 48 hours that we would be submitting our profile to a birthmother and here we sit…3 birthmothers reviewing our photos, our story. Siting in that restaurant His answer was even more swift and clear. Luke 1:45 reminded me “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” He does not post faux facts on the walls of our life. Even when we are confused, even when we cannot understand, His promises are always the better for us.  

We rode Everest back to back that afternoon. We were pretty blessed to only stand in line for 25 minutes (longest line all weekend was right at 28 minutes)to ride one of our favorite 90 second rides. It makes me breathe deeply with anticipation when I think about the amount of time that God has been working on our story while we wait to see where our rollercoaster goes next. His timing is perfect. It seems long and drawn out to us at times, but looking at the thrill of 90 seconds on a manmade rollercoaster gets me giddy with excitement as I think about the thrill He has planned for us for our remaining life here and even more so for our eternal life.

So for our update, it is simply this:

God has a plan. 

We trust Him and we know that His timing is perfect.

Right now, three women will have our profile in their hands over the next week or so, and profiles of many other couples who desire to have children, and they are facing the hardest decision of their lives. That means that 3 children hang in the balance. No matter what they are loved, so much, already by people who don’t even know them and by some who never will. Those birthmothers are cherished, loved, beautifully and wonderfully made – they are also loved by many who will never meet them. 

I’m working on some new art for fundraising and we are looking at grants for fundraising.

We ask for prayers. We know that these 3 may all say no to us. That they may be lead in other directions and that even though we understand that it will be God’s will when we are chosen, we cannot lie and say that it won’t hurt if/when we face rejection. We know we will question why? But please pray that the question lingers less than a second and that God’s peace swiftly replaces the feelings of unworthiness. 

We thank you all for following our journey.  We know that some ask and wonder how it all is going. We don’t always have an answer for you, but this time we wanted to share that God is working in the wings. We have hope for the future and we know He loves us and has great plans for us.  We cannot wait to see all He has in store.

“And so it was, that she, having waited long and endured patiently, realized and obtained what God had promised.” Hebrews 6:15

 

The Mask Slipped off Today

The Mask Slipped Off Today...

I won't lie. I've been crying for a few hours now. 

No big shifts or changes, no one is hurt or angry.

I just felt so tired, drained and emotional.

We had our yearly home visit today. Our sweet social worker "R" came by and we toured the house, the property; then we sat down and the interview begins again. It's déjà vu but not. It really is a repeat of one year ago today. We are sitting proclaiming our hearts desires, answering questions, discussing background checks, jobs, church, schools, ideas and hope.

She chats animatedly about us and how we've been doing. We talk details of our profile books and the home study file. 

We talk Duchess and the excitement of her going to Montevallo for her senior year. We talk about how she is there, moving things in, while we sit here - missing her move but sending so much love her way we hope she feels our presence. 

We talk the dogs and how sweet they are.

We nibble on macaroons, chocolates and sip lemonade. 

We walk to each room discussing purpose, layout and decor. Settling on the last - our guest room that will one day be a nursery. Scattered lightly are a few pieces of baby/child decor. In boxes, not hung or placed. Pieces of what's to come. 

A civilized, detailed interview of our life in the middle of the day. 4.5 hours. 

We wrap everything up and I collapse on the couch. Tears stream down my cheeks and dear M is swift to give me comfort. I hug him for dear life. I know that my hope, my faith reminds me that God's timing is precious, unique and so very wonderful - my head knows it, my spirit survives by it, my heart tries to embrace it, but my soul just really wants to cry. Cry because a year has passed. Cry because the repeat questions make me feel like a failure. Cry because my desire is so strong that to bear another year feels so big and scary. Cry because I love M so much and to give him the gift of a child is so beyond my capabilities that it bites at my soul more often than not. Cry because this tiny baby that might not even be a thought to someone yet will one day be my whole world. Cry because time rushing past me daily and the aches sometimes attempt to overcome the faith. Cry because we feel so close yet the precipice is so high. Cry because we know that the waiting is just a piece - that rejection could still come and my heart aches so much already, that fear of what rejection will be like tries to settle in the crease of each day. 

M loves on me, reminding me that God has something so special and I cry harder. A little ashamed of being anxious and questioning God to begin with mixed with my aching desire to be the mother of his children. But I feel it, that sweet little touch of peace from M's hug that is God's love combined with the best husband ever; so I slip into comfy clothes and we turn on Netflix. He lays beside me and the dogs corral around me, loving on me with quiet gentleness and I feel a semblance of relaxation. I say a small short prayer, crying again but now it's just a little. 

In this place I am home. Not because the walls deem it so, but because of the two dogs at my side and the man laying beside me. On the walls are photos of our journey, places we've been, things we've done - M says he looks to them when he is having a pity party/bad day & it reminds him he is blessed, that life has been a great adventure already & that there is so much more to come. I like that he sees it that way. Today I'm trying to share his sentiment, I'm looking at where we've been, thinking of where we are going, reminding myself that our stability is a gift, that we are doing what has been asked and striving to do more. Reminding myself that God's timing is not my own, that He knows better and that He has great plans for us, He is in the background silently working to give us the best child & life we could imagine...

I still may cry some more. I know I will as time passes.

The mask slipped today, right onto the floor; yet M was there, he dusted it off and set it aside. He loves me for all I am, he wants so badly to see me as a mom, to be a dad, to share all we have with our children, to learn from them, to love them and to give them love like we've been given. He is my lifeline through all this, my constant, my anchor in this crazy storm and I'm forever grateful that when he stands beside me I never even think to put the mask on - for him, I'm wide blue eyes, rose red cheeks, tear stained in leggings and a comfy tunic watching Murder She Wrote and binging on green tea and French macaroons...I cannot wait to see him as he does the same with our toddling child between us, laughing with baby giggles and sleep deprived hilarity. He will be the best dad there is - no mask, just love, faith & loyalty....

The First of the New Year...my Focus is on Him

From there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Deuteronomy 4:29

***

In this the first full week of this New Year I'm drawn to the humbling realization that 2014 was an amazing year. God blessed us immensely by the gift of His presence - yes we did a good many things, saw amazing sites, enjoyed great travels, and began a process that will lead to our family growing but it is His presence that surrounds every single moment in 2014. This doesn't mean that every single day was simply brilliant and fun and fantastic - no, there were hard times. Moments that ripped me to my core and reminded me of sadness and of loss. He didn't leave me in those moments - He became a brighter light - but its because I asked Him to, I turned to Him, I gave those moments to Him. He is always waiting on the edge, hoping I will look to Him first. I'm learning how to do that completely.

I'm giving Him 2015 -even though it is just starting. I'm laying down the walls, worshiping Him with everything I have and trusting that He will provide in His time, in His manner and knowing that His responses are the best there are. It will take understanding; it will take patience; it will take trust; it will take moments of uncertainty that reveal clarity at the most unexpected times but it will be the journey that will move me forward towards the best of things, the greatest of loves and the most amazing relationships.

I'm thankful to Him for the friendships I've made this year. For the adoption fundraising - it has been supernatural in its success and continues to be so. We have a long way to go but the path is no longer covered in mud and briers - it is clear and ready for us.

I'm honored that He has seen such a path for us. I'm honored that He believes in us just as we have faith in Him.

I'm defined by my choices and I pray that they are worthy of Him.

I'm excited about this new year, about the trials that may come up, about the blessings that will abound.

His perfect love is something I never truly knew until now. I always thought I had to live up to something, to be something more than who I am - this year I saw Him and heard Him. I am His creation - perfectly made by Him. I seek Him so that I may draw closer to Him because closer to Him reveals an eternal perspective that brings me great joy. He loves me. He loves you.

So on this first week of the first month of a new year I am focusing on Him. My praise is for Him and all that He has shown me, all that He has blessed me with - my health (even where I prayed the Why? the Why me? the Why now? the Why not me? - He was never letting go of me. He saw a better plan for me, He saw me as more than what I saw and in that truth my heart almost burst with love.);

my husband (He saw M years before we met. He saw our path. He saw the man who stood beside me when Cancer knocked, when our family path shifted, when I made stupid decisions as a twenty year old with finances, when I stumble and He still led M to love me, to want to work daily on marriage and to make a covenant relationship here on earth that is celebrated in the Heavens.);

my family (we were sent K when we had no idea how to raise a teenager; when we were questioning our abilities, when we thought we'd never have a family, He sent us the most amazing girl that we have been blessed to see become an amazing young woman);

my talents (I never, not once, not ever expected to be able to draw/write and have it bought, purchased, celebrated so that we could raise monies for our future children - we had thought we wouldn't even have children and now, thanks to God and all of you we are closer to a new reality than ever before - my heart aches on this one, the gratefulness I feel is something that makes me speechless....)

So yes, this focus is for Him. I pray for each of you, my Royal loves, that you are able to seek Him, He is there; and that in your quest you find that having Him there makes all the difference. He makes broken things beautiful, He breathes life into a weary soul and when you come alive....there is a freedom unlike any other.

Today this faith laden message is one that I will return to & I hope you do to....

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

How We Got Here - The TMI Version

“All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller

For some of you this will be a story you already know, for others this is pretty intimate & in depth look into the path that led us to this point in our lives….

I never expected this to be the first part of our story…My path has been a tricky one up to this point. Everyone has their trials, God’s plan is full of them, He sees our strengths grow, our characters evolve and our love for the journey expand with every endeavor we face.

I was 14 when I had a vision with God. He sat across from me on the daybed in my parents’ house. He held my hand and spoke with conviction. He told me that I would not bear my own children, that there would be a time where I would have to accept this fully. He also told me I would hate Him. I remember vividly saying “never.”; and Him softly telling me that I would find my way again, not to give up hope when the time came and that He had plans for my future family. I was confused; He had just told me I wouldn’t have a family. But in the hazy dreamlike state I just took it in…He smiled, I smiled and then He was gone. I woke up and told my mom about the dream. Both of us thinking I must have been watching something interesting the day before but neither of us completely discounting the vision; my mother has always been intuitive spiritually so for either of us to have gut feelings, déjà vu or in some ways premonitions was basically normal. However, teenage years and time forced the entire sequence to slip back into the recess of my mind.

I met my lovely Stable Boy “M” when I was 15. We dated through high school, surprising everyone when we continued the relationship through college – never once breaking up, but definitely having our trials laid before us. We persevered and found ourselves marrying at 25 and 26 years old. Enjoying life, loving our blessings and for the first time discussing our future. We both agreed we were way too selfish to have a child at the time and in deciding that we put off for 3 years trying to conceive.

We had been actively trying for 3 months. I was 28. It was July and we were supposed to be heading to his father’s wedding in Texas. I had a yard sale – it was grueling in the heat and thought I had just overdone it when I started cramping. By 2 a.m. that Monday I was in the ER screaming my head off at the pain. Tests, scans, needles, everything was a blur until they told me there was nothing they could do. They called a specialist. She came in and spoke sternly but with reverence – asking me about past menstrual issues, any cramps before, did I know what a cyst was. M sat wide eyed, learning way too much about the female makeup in those 5 minutes than he EVER wanted to. She told me a cyst the size of a football had decided to wrap itself around my left ovary and that she could not see any of my organs due to its mass. She had no idea what she would find, if it was cancerous, if it had damaged organs, if it could be removed without damaging the other ovary; but extensive surgery was the only option…the tears came. By the Friday that we were supposed to fly out I was lying on a bed, waiting for the OR to open up and my anesthesiologist was asking me if I minded if he prayed for me. Crying, I told him, “please do.” He held my hand, he prayed for me and I felt Him again – just as I had 14 years before – that peace, that understanding that He was there and I was no longer afraid. 5 hours later I woke up with 39 staples, a 16 inch incision from my breast bone to my pelvic, the knowledge that my specialist had to remove ALL of my organs that were masked out of my body for a few minutes – creepy - no left ovary and had “birthed” a 4 lb cyst that got me in an article in the Medical Journal – Whoopee! But I was alive. But I was also angry. The memory of that vision/visit from my youth was fresh on my mind and I remember that first week, looking down at the Frankenstein-esque metal and thinking “yep, I hate You right now.” The first weeks of recovery were not at all fun – my sweet sister had to endure my anger, my tears and my frustration. It was a hard recovery, a difficult transition and the best definition of a true trial that I had ever encountered up to that point.

I had hope that the single ovary on my right side could be fine for conception. Checkups were many, follow-ups and blood work became words I truly despised, but the overall goal was to have a baby in the end. We had to wait around 6 months before truly trying to conceive again. The right ovary took its time getting back to rights. We tried, and tried and tried. Then we took a break – we decided to not drive ourselves nuts so we gave it all to God. 2009 passed, then 2010, and then in 2011 I realized that there seemed to still be some issues. After speaking with my OB/GYN (the specialist God sent me when I lost the first ovary had graciously become my doctor and I had become her most interesting patient) we decided to do a D&C. So there I went, into another operating room for a standard procedure that women have every day. It was at the middle of November, my doctor sent off her sample and Thanksgiving was upon us. When you go to Camden, more specifically to my parents, it means you are agreeing to no cell service for the holiday. I was okay with that. J

However, my doctor was trying to find me. Desperately. She left me no less than 8 messages. When we returned the Sunday after the holiday I was beyond curious as to what was going on. Stupidly, I did not call her back until Wednesday. She told me to come in immediately, she would work me in. I was nervous, but not scared…not yet.

She sat me down and when she teared up fear crept in. I hadn’t told M to come with me. It was just me and her. She told me that her findings had given her something she suspected – a thickly lined uterus – but there was something else. She found Endometrial Hyperplasia Complex with Atypia Stage 3. That afternoon I not only had an OBGYN but I was scheduled to meet an Oncologist at the Bruno Cancer Center in Birmingham, the following week – the 7^th – the day before M’s birthday. The oncologist would be my second opinion and if the cancerous cells were verified – he would be my cancer doctor.

I remember calling mom – she was calm, but I know she was immediately googling, asking her resident doctor and nurses the minute we hung up. It’s okay, I did the same when I got back home. I cried too. I cried a lot in that small drive home. I cried when I saw M. He held me and said everything was going be okay.

The next month is still at times a blur. The first meeting and pathology confirmed our doctors’ fears. Our Oncologist, Dr. B, wanted to do surgery the following week – I was set up for a hysterectomy with a full lymph node scope (upper thighs and below the breasts) – we asked if we could wait at least until after Christmas. He agreed, he was so torn about removing my remaining ovary – at 30 I would have little to no hormone production and the long term effects made him wary. He said if everything looked good, he would do a partial hysterectomy leaving the ovary…December 28^th – everything wasn’t good. The ovary was enlarged and I woke up in recovery at St. Vincent’s with a Total Hysterectomy. The idea of conception had already left me 21 days earlier, but now Menopause loomed at 30 and reality swept in.  It was 7 days post surgery when I got the good news – they had removed all the cancer and I would not need radiation therapy. Life was blissful in those seconds. The recovery was another hit to my system and the following year brought all kinds of new bodily changes.

M was beyond amazing through everything. We had a discussion that day after confirming the cancer cells in Birmingham and that first initial meeting at the cancer center. I told him I understood if he wanted out – if he wanted the opportunity to have children with someone I would never hold it against him. I cried, begged him to think it through and my loving husband sat in front of me at The Tavern, held my hand and shook his head. He was in this from the beginning because he loves me, he had no intention of leaving me and that no matter what we would make it through this and God would be there for us every step of the way. I’ve loved him since I was 16 but in that moment I saw love for the first time; it was all over his face, in the way he held my hand and in the look he continued to give me as we ate. Then the surgery came, recovery came, crazy swings of menopause, insomnia, neuropathy and the idiosyncrasies of Courtney engulfed our life.  He still smiled, still held my hand and I still saw that look of utter love – he amazes me every day and I am so thankful for his strength. We are a team. Marriage is not something that just easily happens, you build it, you work on it daily and you make it the most important portion of who you are. I am grateful every day that God saw us way before we saw each other and that He continues to guide us daily.

During all of this, during all the years since 2008 life was still circling all around us, we welcomed Kristin “The Duchess” (M’s niece) into our home and got a good taste of parenting a teenager. She has been a blessing in our life and we love her so much. She came to us in 2010 and we have enjoyed watching her go from 16 year old young girl to the 20 year old woman she is today. Her journey is just beginning and she is holding her own. We know that had we been able to conceive in 2008 that we would not have been able to take The Duchess into our home in 2010.

It all circles back to that first vision, first discussion with God. He knew the path in front of us, he knew that the Duchess was in our future, that we would need to have open hearts for different paths and Heknew that we would face our trials head on, accepting life with each passing day. He had more faith in me than I had in Him at the time. Now when I look back at the moments His presence filled me: 4 surgeries (laparotomy, D&C, hysterectomy & a random appendectomy), each recovery, sitting in the Bruno cancer center waiting for my oncologist to tell me “I rarely ever get to tell my patients this news: you are now cancer free.” and the moment I woke up in January of this year, on a Sunday, lying in bed, overcome with the deepest, strongest yearning to see M as a dad, to hear the word ‘mom’ and know it was meant for me, and to see the laughter in our child’s eyes as they run in the yard with the dogs...and on that morning 19 years ago after spending all night talking…He fills me. He surrounds me daily, blesses me always, loves me unconditionally and reminds me often that this life is not an easy one but it is worth every moment…thankfully I don’t think He will make me wait seventy years….

"For thus says the LORD, 'When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. 11'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.…” Jeremiah 29:11