Faith Moved Mountains, Pt. 3 – His timing…never try to figure it out…just embrace its beauty

So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough for a while down here.

1 Peter 1:6

Did they go to the appointments? What did the doctor say? What about the lawyer? What is the next steps? What if they backed out? Please God be with this baby! Please God be with the birthparents! Please God be with us…

This was my mind from waking til 5:26 p.m. on that Friday in October. Yet there were other things going on around us as well...In the midst of all of this, of all that we had going on with the adoption there was to be a wedding on that Saturday. M’s cousin was getting married in the evening in our home town. All summer as we talked about the upcoming nuptials, all 3 of us (Duchess, Prince M, and myself) couldn’t wrap our heads around being there. We hadn’t bought new outfits, we hadn’t really planned to be in our hometown for the event…it was like this event sat in the back of our minds, an important event, not diminished by what we had going on at all - the union of two people who are making a commitment is not something we take lightly - yet for some reason this beautiful event had not/would not come to the forefront of our schedule. We were ill prepared that Friday for going south and really had not even packed or planned outfits, the dogs – nothing – for those wondering -  that isn’t like me. I am a plan the details, created the itinerary, begin counting down the days, plan for the best trips ever person. I create personalized, bound travel books for EVERY trip guys - even weekend getaways...yeah....

I had gotten to the house around 5:15 p.m. I had cried out on the drive home, tears flowing, asking God to please send me comfort no matter what His will deemed this entire situation to be. I remember walking into the garage, grabbing a can of white spray paint and a European mount deer skull I was set to custom paint for a customer. I sprayed the base coat and stood outside. It wasn’t sunny. It wasn’t dark. It was just light grey blue everywhere. I had the back hatch to my SUV open because I had bought other paint colors and they were in the back ready to take on coat two and three on the skull. My phone sat on a red chest in the garage. I hadn’t even changed into ‘paint clothes’. I still wore work clothes; I just needed to complete something, to work on something, to let my talents pour into something tangible and seemingly in my control. I had let the dogs into the backyard and they were barking at the noise I was making. The phone rang. I stepped over towards it, white paint on my finger tips and I reached out. The screen flashed a 402 phone number that I did not recognize, but the area code…that was a 3 digit arrow to my heart. I quickly swiped left and quietly said “This is Courtney.” The paralegal who had only a week ago patiently explained all the details of a Nebraska adoption to me began to speak

Paralegal: “Hi! I hope your Friday is going well (THAT ALL DEPENDS!). Well, they did come by this afternoon. (OH PRAISE JESUS, PRAISE JESUS) Birthmom is lovely, birthfather seems very kind, birthgrandmother was also very pleasant to meet. (OKAY, OKAY, NOW WHAT??). Everyone is on board and ready to move forward. So everything looks good, they are good with the paperwork. They gave us everything we need from them so I have already started on getting everything typed out.(OMG, OMG, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!!! Paint drips silently onto the concrete) However, (HEART DROPS TO THE FLOOR) there is one thing…(OMG, IS IT MONEY, IS IT ANYTHING????!!! TELL ME!!!!) Do you think you can be here tomorrow?(SILENCE. BREATHE. IN. OUT. IN. OUT. ANSWER HER!!!)

Courtney: “Um, what? Tomorrow? Is everything okay…” (SHAKING BEGINS)

Paralegal: *Chuckles* Don’t worry they are in shock too. Remember the doctor’s appointment before ours? Well that baby girl is ready to come on out. Are you ready to be a mom tomorrow?

Courtney: “Really? Like Really?(everything centers and I’m filled. In that moment, my answer forms..so simple, so unbelievably simple....)Yes.”

Paralegal: Okay, well I have to be on a trip with my children this weekend or else I would be able to meet you and it has been such a pleasure talking with you. I will get everything written up and *Attorney S* has another assistant who will be there on Monday when y’all hopefully discharge from the hospital. I am so happy for all of you! Congratulations. I guess I should let you go, you need to find a flight. *chuckles*

Courtney:  (My heart is beating like a drum as I chuckle)“Its funny you say that! I was checking flights this morning for next weekend since the due date was then and I randomly checked some for this weekend…I just did. So I actually know the price and I think I saw one for early am tomorrow….oh my gosh…I can’t believe it. (Holy Spirit, you tricky, sweet, marvelous counselor) Okay. I need to book it. I need to pack! Oh my gosh. Thank you for your kindness for your help and everything."

Paralegal: “It was my pleasure. They are looking to induce in the am but there is currently not a set time. She will be at *hospital* and I have some phone numbers to give you from birth grandmother. We gave them yours as well. Now *attorney S* will be available this weekend and will be touching base with you. If you need anything just email or call her at the contact information I gave you. Now go find a flight and congratulations again.”

I remember standing for about 30 seconds in the garage then stepping outside to where my car was. My fingers still held the imprint of white paint when I pressed the release button on the hatch. That white paint is still there by the way, slowly disappearing as time goes on, but I can close my eyes and see it bright, wet, new...as clear as day. I walked upstairs, I waded through boxes, the emptying kitchen and stepped back outside to where the dogs were playing, I stood on the deck and watched as they bounded towards me. I hugged them, cried and hugged them again. I started to call M but changed my mind. Instead I found the tickets for 8 a.m. out of Bham and purchased them. I waited. On our credit cards when a large purchase is made (oh and day before tickets are not exactly “low fare”) it sends a text to M to make sure it isn’t fraudulent and boy does he call if it wasn’t him who made it. So I waited. Grinning with the excitement of telling him.

Duchess had been working with M that day and I heard her come in the house….I stood up and met her in the kitchen. I have no idea what look was on my face but she knew something was up. I showed her the confirmation of the ticket purchase. She smiled and said “So no wedding tomorrow after all. Yall are going to Nebraska.” I sat slowly at the table and nodded. I began to spill the story of the day…then a phone call came through my phone.

The birth grandmother was on the other line; she just wanted to hear my voice, to talk at least once before this all became the reality we were all teetering on. We both cried, I told her I loved her and her precious daughter – all the barest, honest, most transparent truth and it was refreshing to realize it in that moment that my love for them wasn’t new; I’d loved them before I knew they existed. In my heart had been a place, a hidden place that I had not known about that had been carved for those that would sacrifice so much for me, for this child, for a life of purpose in the name of love, we spoke a few moments longer then hung up.

I sat, dumbfounded…then M came in. He walked in like normal and I knew he hadn’t checked his phone.

I stood up and asked him what he wanted to do that weekend. He said “I guess I need to pull out my suit. How are we going to keep everything that has been going on quiet?” Then his voice faded off as he looked from me to Duchess.

I asked him “Wanna go to Nebraska?” I know the smile on my face was the biggest he has seen so far in our 20 years together. He stood stock still, staring as I showed him the screenshot of our flights.

M: “What? What happened? When? She is having the baby...this weekend?”

C: “Yes. We are going to be parents tomorrow.”

The tears flowed and we hugged and we hugged Duchess and then it was like a Freaky Friday moment.

I sat down, still, and in a bit of a trance. M began to move. Grabbing clothes in the closet. Calling out things we would need. Walking from one end of the house to the other. He asked about the weather there, what we would need, what about a place to stay, car rental - baby things. All the things I typically  meticulously plan out for our trips came rolling off his tongue and fell around me. I sat. Breathing, but sitting quiet and still. For Duchess it was an out of body experience to see the role reversal and even now we still laugh about that night. We had nothing by the way. Seriously not prepared to be parents! Lol. We had a diaper bag. That. IS. IT.

M: “Oh my gosh the wedding. How do we tell them we cannot be there but not tell those details?”

We didn’t want to tell everyone details for one reason. When this baby was born, 48 hours had to pass before the birth-parents could sign the paper work, once signed it was irrevocable. But those 48 hours were still there, the waiting, the guarding of hearts…the moments of faith were yet to come and we knew prayers were needed but hearts also needed to be protected for all parties involved.

C: “you can tell your mom that there is a baby that could be ours in Nebraska, that we won’t be at the wedding. Not to broadcast it to anyone but your cousin’s mom and your cousin getting married.”

So the calls began. To the coworker/boss that needed to know we had an emergency time off needed, to my parents that we would be flying to the state where my mother was born to possibly become parents, that they would possibly be grandparents very soon. To my sister who had been praying incessantly. And to our closest friends who had known that prayers for the last week had been what held us together.

So we packed and tried to sleep….

Because God is graceful, I am brave. Mark 5:25-34

Faith Moved Mountains, Pt. 2 – There is no limit to what God can handle

Job 11:7 Can you find out the deep things of God? Can you find out the limit of the Almighty?

I hate to say it but we all tend to attempt to push the limits of God. We test Him even when we don’t realize it. We box Him in and then we find ourselves standing on top of a Mountain when we began in the depths of a Valley.

We were overcome with giggles that night. What you all don’t know is we had just decided to place our home on the market. Only one week, to the day, prior we had sat down with our realtor and decided to push the button. For 3 years we had hemmed and hawed over this decision. M was terrified that wrapping the monies we had so carefully set aside for a child would be hindered by the things to be ‘fixed’ within the house or that refinancing may be better or what if we can’t find a new home in the financial realm of our reality? I am the ultimate optimist when it comes to what God can do in these situations. Now, as you know, days of lows can easily seep in – but on the whole my optimism (dreamer mentality as M calls it) outnumbers the down days every year. So there I sat a fabulous Bistro in Tuscaloosa assuring my husband that everything would be fine. God has this. 

Then the realtor asked “What about the adoption?” 

we looked at each other and said “It is what it is.We have been in a holding pattern for years now and its time we just let Him truly have it all and know that we will be equipped to handle whatever He gives us because He will be in it.” 

She smiled and said ‘Okay, we will get the house staged, photos up and on the market on 10/31.” 

We continued our conversation, we also mentioned that in August of 2016 we had pre-paid and booked a BIG trip for the Duchess’ graduation for the first week of January 2017, again, something we had hesitated over in case a baby came – but we needed to do this – Duchess deserved the 10 days in Hawaii and we were taking that leap, asking about the limits He might have.

So, that night, when everything was an option; we sat staring at the home we have loved and lived in for 10 years. We laughed. A lot. We had already started boxing and shifting things and now…there was a glimmer,  a spark, that could make this transition as chaotic as any transition we’d ever experienced.

The next day was research. 

I called my Alabama Social Worker to get details about the Bama side of things. When you go through domestic adoption, you learn a great deal about terms like: ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children – basically the rules/laws of adopting a child from one state to another). Social Worker R was at a conference and I couldn’t get her immediately. The OCD crazy planner in me went into FULL SWING. Google, praise Jesus for Google, was my training on Nebraska lawyers. Now, Village, you need to know that as in all things God was there – even for the tiniest of things, the internet searches. The first firm that popped up sounded nice so I called. Sweet as they were, when I mentioned their experience with ICPC….they said “What is that?” I politely told them and they said “No, we only do adoptions within state lines.” On their recommendation I googled the Nebraska Bar Association. Guys, Nebraska is not highly populated, but there are BUNCHES of lawyers. I filtered to ones who specialized in Adoption, then the Holy Spirit didn’t whisper He kind of nudged my  heart. I wanted a female. I cannot explain it, but I did. Our Alabama lawyer is male and he is fabulous; but something led me to female. So I filtered. What is funny is that one of my cousin’s first name is the same first name of the lawyer that first popped up. In my sleep deprived, excited, full of hope logic that meant she was the one. Guys, she was. I happened to choose a woman who helps write Nebraska adoption laws, who is one of the most revered adoption attorneys in the state. After speaking for over an hour with her assistant I was convinced that if this was to happen, she was our lawyer.

Now for the fear factor: You see the lawyer cannot contact the birthparents – that would be solicitation. This lawyer would be representing the birthparents through the process (adoptive parents must cover the costs, but this lawyer is there to protect the birthparents from any shenanigans and to insure the ICPC is properly filed and distributed back to the receiving state.) So, the fear resides in the fact that the birthparents must willingly go to the lawyers’ office, tell them why they are there and then begin the paperwork process of giving their child to someone else. We feared they wouldn’t go, that this was a hopes dashed situation. When you guard your heart for so many years and you hear the “they went another way; they changed their minds; they didn’t choose you; I’m sorry it isn’t going to happen” 41 separate times in the past years fear is standard operating procedure. We also were praying for their peace and comfort, that the birthparents would be able to find the peace that only God can give and that whatever the outcome the child would be born, would be born into a place of love and that God would have His opportunity to bring more than just a child into the hearts of all involved.

Armed with my information I touched base with my cousin. This was Thursday. I gave her the information of the attorney for the family to contact. She passed everything along. Then Friday happened, then Saturday, then Sunday and on Sunday evening she and I discussed the fact that she had not heard back from them since the previous Thursday. I didn’t let me faith waiver. We prayed. We talked and I chose not to let M know that they had been radio silent for the past 4 days. I wanted to protect his heart. He excitedly talked every day about “our baby girl” and I couldn’t shatter that with unknowns. Monday came and went. No response. Tuesday came and went. No response. It was another Wednesday when the update came. My cousin called: “Courtney, they still want to go through with it. They still want to give you the baby. They are meeting with the attorney on Friday. She has a doctor’s appointment at 3 p.m. then they go to the attorney at 4 p.m.”

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

I had basically told M that everything was fine up until that phone call. I remember stepping outside my office. I walked to a tulip tree beside the side window and sat on the dirt. I dialed his number. I had been shaking, crying even when he answered but I dried it up and asked “So you still want to be a daddy?” He said “Yes! Did they meet with the lawyer?” I told him the details and he got emotional as well. We talked and talked for about 20 minutes over the details. Then he said: “You need to tell Duchess, first, before anyone else, make sure she knows.” I hung up the phone and walked to the opposite side of the building. I made the call. “Duchess, are you ready to be a big sister?” I have no idea where she was in that moment, no idea what she had been doing but the emotions coming through that phone were unmistakable. She got emotional then the questions came – we had told no one details at all, we had asked some family and friends to pray, that mountains were moving, but no one but those involved knew the story. I gave her everything. In that moment, sharing it with her was one of the highlights of our journey.

Back to waiting for Thursday to come and go; our sweet Princess was due to come into this world exactly one week from that Thursday. I could barely work. But I did. I even began preparing some work related things just in case she delivered on time and I would possibly be out the next weekend. That Thursday night we worked on packing more things in the house. Our home was stacks of boxes, crates, furniture to sell, to pack, closets to go through, everything. We were still set to stage and sell by 10/31. It was 10/13. We had plenty of time. ;o)

Friday morning I was a mess. Just antsy and waiting to hear how the day would go. Praying incessantly that God would comfort our hearts, that if this baby was to be ours that these birthparents would go the appointments and that we would have an update in the evening.

Remember that sense of humor I mention often in my posts…..yes, God’s timing is better than what we could imagine.

Next up: Pt. 3 – prepare for timing and you prepare in vain, just let His timing be what it is: amazing

Get ready, Village, I've finally taken the moments, pulled the notes that I wrote while it all happened and penned the parts up to the present...so here they all come....

As much as you want to plan your life…God has a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier than you originally planned.

If Faith can move mountains...

10/12/16

Let the mountains move.

We are waiting...as we always seem to type. This time though, my words are heavy with prayer and petition and thanksgiving. God has laid a hope on our hearts that has surpassed all the rest so far in this journey. We know that He goes before us, that He is fighting our battles, that He promises good things, that His plans are good and that trials/tribulations are to be seen as perseverance and a favor to God, for endurance brings us closer to Him with every passing moment/day/year.

This week we are asking our prayer warriors to please lift up our journey. To lift up the birthmother and child that God has chosen for us. He knew their names, He knew their birth dates before we even existed and we are believing in His infinite wisdom and timing.

We know that He has prepared for us, for these days and for all that we desire. We know that faith can move mountains and mountains are moving whether we see them at this moment or later.

We are lifting our eyes, our hearts to the Lord of all Creation. He knows what we desire and His promises are true. This day, this week we are praying the following verses & we invite you to please pray these for any situation you are encountering in life right now:

Deut 31:8

It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Exodus 14:14

The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.

2 Chronicles 20:12-17

Be not afraid, or dismayed at this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but Gods. You shall not need to fight in this battle; take your positions, stand still and see the deliverance of the Lord.

Romans 8:37

In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Zech. 4:6

‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit’, says the Lord of hosts.

We welcome your prayers and know that we are praying for you all. Our Village has been such an important part of all of this journey and continues to be so. Know that we love you all.

With love.

Advent, Adoption and the Village with a Heart Like David…

I took a moment in the bustle of this past weekend to be still. To think about the current season, the past one and the upcoming one. Only 120 hours prior to this moment I had trolled Facebook before heading to a weekend FREEDOM conference with my lovely church. It is my second visit to this conference – the first I was a participant – this time I was a servant to the participants, a volunteer, a spectator and an intercessor on their behalf. I knew that for at least 24-36 hours my social media moments would truly be stolen, quick ones – more focused on posting the success of the conference and open hearts than on the typical daily troll of other people’s updates. So I was trolling slowly, soaking in the social aspect of IG and FB. I noticed a trend on the posts coming from our “root Village”. Camden was having a week. One of those weeks where knees humbly grace the floor while heads bowed lay softly upon the Savior’s knee. He was with them last week, as He always is, from every home, every business, an outpouring of lament and love for two very sweet young men. One struggling in a hospital searching for answers and another returning home to our precious village with an answer   heartbreaking in its discovery; he now faces leukemia, treatments and more questions to follow the answers. But in all this, in these two stories of heartache for young men, family, and friends…I saw it again…that outpouring, far reaching, all-encompassing love that moves mountains, destroys disease, mends a heart, lifts a spirit, shines light into the darkness and warms the soul. My “root Village” is a Miracle Mount in South Alabama. It is a place where community isn’t just a public grouping of people; it is a place alive with hope, compassion and light. The kind that breaks through the darkest FB posts, where the simple word “praying” on a comment line is truly a representative of the person whose name it accompanies. Yes, these two young men are facing trials, giants even in their lives, but they come from a town with a heart like David.  Be strong. Have faith, lay your hope and your love on our Savior.

In this same spirit as I read the stories of praying for these boys I stumbled upon ADVENT. Our church, for the first time, is doing an ADVENT post each day. When I was young my parents had this tree, faux branches, about 13 inches tall that had little drawers all over the base; actual drawers, with knobs and numbers. Each drawer held a tiny ornament that would be placed on the tree as the days counted down.  I used to love to pull out each ornament, watching the calendar as each day came. I got excited anticipating what little treasure I’d discover. No matter that the ornaments were the same every year, just reorganized to be in different drawers – there was something about the waiting, the expectancy, the excitement that captivated me; even when a bad day wanted to weigh me down I looked forward to that tiny ritual. For me the anticipation of something can be where I really enjoy the moments coming. It spans so many themes personally: vacations, birthday week, parties, football games – the categories can be endless. This year my thoughts are occupied with many of those things yet there is more. Advent is more than just numbers on a calendar leading to the presents and celebration of the holiday. It is waiting, anticipating, expectancy; yearning…it is where I am this season. I love Christmas. I love the feelings it inspires and the kindness it evokes. I love the presents –giving & receiving. But ADVENT is different. I read recently “Advent is the question, the pleading, and Christmas is the answer to that question…advent gives us another option beyond false Christmas cheer or Scrooge. Advent says the Baby is coming, but He isn’t here yet, that Hope is on its way, but the yearning is still very real. Advent allows us to tell the truth about what we’re grieving, without giving up on the gorgeous and extravagant promise of Christmas, the Baby on His way.” (Savor by Shauna Niequist) For us, personally, the words ‘the Baby is coming’ struck me so hard, so fiercely that I burst into tears. He never lets me forget that He is ALWAYS planning for us, that He WILL fulfill His promises and that we need to slow down, reflect on the waiting and remember to trust Him always.  As right now two specific families in our root village await information day in and day out as to how their sweet sons are progressing, we wait to hear any and every update on the child(ren) we are praying for (still no update or change in the process by the way). 

 Learning all this in the past few days changed ADVENT in my heart, it has me thanking God for the season that understands heart’s desires, loneliness, uncertainty, long nights and desperate prayers…we must remember to open ourselves to ADVENT, to the anticipation and belief that what is broken will be beautiful, what is lost will be found, what is empty will be filled, what is desired will be fulfilled…trust Him. This season is often our reminder of happy days but it also is a time where we miss our loved ones already gone, where we fear the year looming ahead and the answers to questions we never really wanted to ask. But thankfully in all the glitter and glitz there is the simplest beauty to be found, the fact that its okay to tell the truth about our grievances and still be excited for Christmas. Our disappointments, our worries, our heartaches are very real, but a very real Hope and Promise is on the way and He fulfills His promises. 

 

 

Fireflies, Illusions of Control, Heart Doctors & Adoption....

Summer is in full swing in Alabama, Independence Day has come and gone and with it the realization that fall is around the corner.  This year is already 7 months in. Time, by far, is the most elusive element & I’m not clinging to the days or asking them to slow down, but I am working to enjoy them more. The Fourth was full of Fireflies & Fireworks, bare feet and pool fun. It was a wonderful time with the family celebrating our independence & a birthday or two...I'm so grateful to have the family I have, their support means more than I ever imagined. Every time I see them I'm reminded of various things: our differences, our loves, our sense of togetherness and our deep connection that no matter the argument or difference of opinion we still choose to come together & enjoy each other. We are each just a phone call away and that is something we learn to treasure as this time quickly passes...

This summer has already been full of twist, turns, diagonals and straight lines; all those fabulous directionals that take us headlong into understanding that human control is sincerely an optical illusion.

Recently I had a strange and startling encounter with stress. Yep, stress. Who stresses? I’m sure NONE of us has stress…I mean come on, everyone is polite on the highway, no one ever gets aggravated with electronics and every single day my hair does exactly what I want it to…yeah…that’s not true. BUT I did have an encounter. One scary enough that for about 48 hours of intense testing/doctor/ER visits I discovered that breakdowns, heart attacks, strokes, blood clots and migraines can sometimes be just a speeding-through-downtown-red-light-running-gotta-get-there-fast nano second away. So yep, I have another doc that will be seeing me and helping me learn how to deal with stress. I always thought I dealt pretty well, I mean in our household I am the least “appearing” stressed and I rarely “lose it”. Guess what? Sometimes we think we process stress when in reality we hold it in. If you are like me, you don’t always even realize that something is stressing you out. So yeah, I’m over here trying not only to process stress better but also recognize it when it happens. I was jokingly told this is to keep me from going ‘postal’ or from just becoming a truly “hot mess”.  Either way, I want to be able to seek joy in all things and stress keeps me from doing so. I was under the impression that I could control it all and still be just fantastic….forgive me while I step away to laugh so hard my sides hurt….

On the topic of stress, here is our adoption update: we were asked to turn in a couple more documents this week that will help in making everything match up in case we are selected by someone from another state. It was a lot of letters written by highly influential people who state our well-being is under their observation or under their care…so when I do stress I can blame them right? Eh, it was worth a try. Seriously, we got everything turned in and are now… WAITING.  Join  us, won’t you? Sing the song of our people “We are waiting, we are waiting, we are waiiiiiiiting for some news! It seems forever and forever, forever we wait here. We are qui-et-ly waiting for some news. Please tell us, please tell us, please telllll us what you know. We are waiting, we are waiting, paaaa-tiently we know.” (kind of to the tune to “Oh My Darl’n Clementine – Side note: anyone ever read the entire lyrics to that song? Morbid…yikes)  Well you get the idea. I should add a long verse on the praying too…”we are prayyyy-ing every day!” There is truth in these words. Prayer would be an important verse. 

We do please ask that you keep us in your prayers, our birthmother and our future child(ren). We all need your support and are already so grateful for everyone sending us such love. Right now we hope that someone will love our profile book.  What is a profile book, you ask? Well it is a book that answers a ton of questions for these women who are selecting which family to give the ultimate gift. It has photos, stories about our past, plans we have for the future, uplifting areas to make sure she knows how much we already love her, pictures of our furbabies and of course stories about all of you! Yep, you are in there, our village, our family, our friends all get a part of this book. It’s a very pretty, colorful, thick, bound book that she will flip through; hopefully she loves us and seeks to share a life. If not it’s okay too, really it is - if we can just send her any love, any support, any example of God’s grace then we have done something good. Again, this is out of our hands now...we have no control and we accept that He will know best.

So the theme of today....control. We all believe that on our own we can take charge, we can make all the choices, and we can face everything on our own merit. We may not think it all the time, but for sure we think it more than we should. We get complacent, we feel like everything is working out great, that we are the ones who got us where we are and for those of us that do this I’m wagging my finger at you and most assuredly at me! I do it. Everything gets going well and I fail to be grateful, I fail to stop and just give thanks or stop and just enjoy the blessings for a moment. He wants us to draw near always – the good, the bad, the in between – to seek His guidance and to acknowledge Him in ALL things. I stopped and spoke to Him when everything went a little haywire a couple weeks back. I went in for an ear infection – came out with Pleurisy and a little heart issue…it was sombering to just tell Him I love Him, to thank Him that there was no embolism, to thank Him for the doctors who quickly saw to my care and to be grateful that breathing wasn’t a chore. Yes, it scared me. Yes, it took my breath away (literally). But it found something we didn’t know was there, it has since forced me to process life differently and in those moments of fear, where control is most fleeting, I leaned…I leaned on His word and I remembered that I don’t have to understand, I just have to trust, to believe and to love. Peace is something that often comes at the strangest moments and mine came after a Contrast CT, as they removed the IV from my arm I felt it…He was there, I wasn’t alone and no matter what everything will be as it should…patience, I heard…timing is important, I remembered…promises are true, I accepted…He knows me…I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made…in my relationship with Christ I can release control and know that the outcome will be way better than what I ever could imagine…

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”Matthew 19:26

 

A Simple Name and I'm in Tears....

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”

-Donald Miller

***

We saw so many wonderful people this past week who are excited for us, anxious for us and supporting us. To each of them we want to thank you. For asking, for caring and for listening when we simply stated “We are now waiting to be assigned a social worker…” You each smiled and said you would keep us in your prayers, for that we are forever grateful and now…

A name.

This past week all we have been doing was waiting for a name.

I have not spoken to her yet, I have no idea if she is from the area, if she is southern, if she is older, younger, blonde, brunette, African American, Caucasian, Irish, chatty, quiet…but she is one of the most important keys to the journey in front of us.

Today in my inbox was the name of our Social Worker. This woman will work closely with us throughout the adoption journey. She will be the ‘mediator’ between the birthmothers and us. For lack of a better term, she will sell us to the mother of our child just as she will sell the options of birthmothers to us. She will guide us through more paperwork, through more red tape and will be there when we get tired, when we begin to doubt or worry or fall to anxious thoughts.

This woman has a task before her. If you know me, then you understand; I want to know her. I want to be able to email, text, chat, ask, listen, learn and to make her an extended arm of our new family.

Today I cried. Sitting at my desk, glancing at the small 4 inch screen of my phone I read the words “_R_ is your Social Worker.  She will call you at the beginning of next week.” (She’s out of town this whole week so another 6 days will pass, but the lump that had grown in my stomach as we waited for the announcement of our Social Worker is now gone, replaced by another new acknowledgement.)

Life just got very real.

I thought the last adoption entry was where it all began, but I believe I need to just resign myself to accepting that things will begin and begin and begin and begin, over and over and over. Each day of this journey is new for us. Each layer of the process is something that we have never encountered – we are constantly learning, listening, wondering and praying.

So today, on our sweet dog Snickers’ first birthday we will celebrate the rescue puppy that expanded our hearts and as we love on him tonight our minds will wander to the sweet face that will one day celebrate alongside of us, laughing as we play outside, tossing toys and treats and enjoying the memories, because today we just got another step closer to our child.

Our Adoption Journey Stage 2: Value

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” - Morrie Schwartz

You all learned from my TMI post the other week what path led us to this decision, but I am learning that this decision & process has many stages each more important than the last…

Ever been asked the uncomfortable questions? You know the ones:

“How long have y’all been dating? And you still aren’t engaged?” (yeah…I can thank a certain Teacher/coach from high school for my husband’s 10 year courtship…still cracks me up)

“oh, you just got married! Have you talked about having kids?”

“I heard that you two are having some issues conceiving…was it drugs? I hear those can truly hinder fertility.” (still a favorite of mine by the way – that question actually had me laughing out loud)

“So. Was it him? Slow swimmers? You? Hostile environment...down there? – I hear both can be contributing factors.” (the laughter continued)

It really is amazing the questions casually asked in simple conversation. As a teen I thought it was the gossip patrol, the nosy, the only way to hear the good rumors – some true, some not. Then into my early twenties it was ‘background information’. It was helping that girlfriend or guyfriend discover the pertinent information about the person they were dating.  Yeah, lists were made, items were checked off and break ups occurred. Now in this immediate age of split second technology information is gathered, sifted and re-transmitted before I can finish typing this sentence. It’s not all bad. It’s not all gathered intel to embarrass, exploit or scandalize the lives we are all leading. My heart of hearts reminds me that getting to know one another, seeing that we are not alone, that others experience the drama, turmoil, joy, happiness…these things help us. They move us forward towards the next stages we must face. If ever you inquired about us and we weren't quick to give a lot of details, or my face took on the defensive reaction, or I let a snarky remark escape my lips - I apologize. It may happen again, for that I am almost positive, but again I will ask for your patience and forgiveness. I know you care and now more than ever we are looking for support, for guidance and for the sweet friend who is asking & walks away, mentally adding our tiny family to their prayer list - what a blessing to have people who genuinely wish us well. You took an interest, showed us love and often continued to do so even when we did not know it. You see, I never thought the invasive questions I’ve asked others, questions I’ve been asked and situations where I’m at a loss for words would be stepping stones, preparation for Stage 2 in our adoption process…yet they are.

We sat at a computer last week, scrolling through page after page of questions; each one growing with intimacy and invasion. M was overwhelmed by some of the Prospective Father inquiries. We made lists of the ones we needed to return to and I typed carefully the answers we had at the ready. Each question builds a more personal, intimate scrutiny; the internal reaction of being judged is there – how we answer these questions, how we reply to their interest in us makes us cautious – no one likes to be judged. We aren’t even supposed to judge, but the natural reaction is more often...judgment.  We feel defensive, we feel a little violated and more than often we scrunch up our faces and wonder “why do they need to know that?”

Some of them were easy, just vital information, but others…the financials, the personal story questions, the questions on your faith…these tested us…then you get to your desired child section – the list is beyond long, the situations they place: alcohol during 1^st trimester, 2^nd trimester, cocaine, heroin, LSD usage, rape victim…then the medical options…then the family histories…it can break you in two just to realize that all of these are necessary sections to review and consider. My heart ached for these young women, they made choices – I know that – but I wonder sometimes if love had been handed to them in the simplest form of ‘interest’ in their life would they be where they are??? Was interest given without love? Were the nosiest, the ones who miserably seek to ruin your day because they are lost too, the only ones who spoke to these women?

The birth mother ministry of our adoption process has been the hardest to wrap our heads around…until this part of the questions. These women have made the most questionable decisions…until now. Because now I see it differently: They are choosing life. To give life to what they may deem a mistake, a bad night, a drunken stupor, a tragic act of rape or any other of the many situations listed...they are choosing to let these children live a life with love. In that second, in that moment, my heart swelled for the woman who is carrying/will be carrying our child. She is strong. She may have had a moment of weakness, she may have been a victim, she may have chosen to turn down a dark path once, but the light that has led her to this act…it shines so bright that the shadows fall away completely. I also realized I love her. I don’t love her just because she is giving me a gift I cannot fulfill alone but because she deserves my love and to not give it would be a travesty to my faith and terrible example for our child. It’s the heart that matters in the end and she will open hers to us.

So Stage 2 has been checked off our list, it has been sent to be reviewed and looked over – not to be judged but to be accepted. We have value, she has value and the sweet, innocent heart of our child is valued as well. So all these questions, these invasive lists are the pieces that begin to build the house that we are preparing for this beautiful child of ours and the stability that she will see when she releases her ‘mistake, her drunken stupor, tragic act of rape…” and she receives the love that we will shower upon her. We must accept her, bringing praise to God all the while knowing that God values her. He sees beyond the moments that found her broken, to Him she is perfect and He sees her beautifully fulfilling His plan. He loves her, so do we…“No matter what you’ve been through, your value has not changed since the day you were born.  You’re valuable to God!”  - Pastor Layne Schranz, Church of the Highlands; Message Series: The Book of James

How We Got Here - The TMI Version

“All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller

For some of you this will be a story you already know, for others this is pretty intimate & in depth look into the path that led us to this point in our lives….

I never expected this to be the first part of our story…My path has been a tricky one up to this point. Everyone has their trials, God’s plan is full of them, He sees our strengths grow, our characters evolve and our love for the journey expand with every endeavor we face.

I was 14 when I had a vision with God. He sat across from me on the daybed in my parents’ house. He held my hand and spoke with conviction. He told me that I would not bear my own children, that there would be a time where I would have to accept this fully. He also told me I would hate Him. I remember vividly saying “never.”; and Him softly telling me that I would find my way again, not to give up hope when the time came and that He had plans for my future family. I was confused; He had just told me I wouldn’t have a family. But in the hazy dreamlike state I just took it in…He smiled, I smiled and then He was gone. I woke up and told my mom about the dream. Both of us thinking I must have been watching something interesting the day before but neither of us completely discounting the vision; my mother has always been intuitive spiritually so for either of us to have gut feelings, déjà vu or in some ways premonitions was basically normal. However, teenage years and time forced the entire sequence to slip back into the recess of my mind.

I met my lovely Stable Boy “M” when I was 15. We dated through high school, surprising everyone when we continued the relationship through college – never once breaking up, but definitely having our trials laid before us. We persevered and found ourselves marrying at 25 and 26 years old. Enjoying life, loving our blessings and for the first time discussing our future. We both agreed we were way too selfish to have a child at the time and in deciding that we put off for 3 years trying to conceive.

We had been actively trying for 3 months. I was 28. It was July and we were supposed to be heading to his father’s wedding in Texas. I had a yard sale – it was grueling in the heat and thought I had just overdone it when I started cramping. By 2 a.m. that Monday I was in the ER screaming my head off at the pain. Tests, scans, needles, everything was a blur until they told me there was nothing they could do. They called a specialist. She came in and spoke sternly but with reverence – asking me about past menstrual issues, any cramps before, did I know what a cyst was. M sat wide eyed, learning way too much about the female makeup in those 5 minutes than he EVER wanted to. She told me a cyst the size of a football had decided to wrap itself around my left ovary and that she could not see any of my organs due to its mass. She had no idea what she would find, if it was cancerous, if it had damaged organs, if it could be removed without damaging the other ovary; but extensive surgery was the only option…the tears came. By the Friday that we were supposed to fly out I was lying on a bed, waiting for the OR to open up and my anesthesiologist was asking me if I minded if he prayed for me. Crying, I told him, “please do.” He held my hand, he prayed for me and I felt Him again – just as I had 14 years before – that peace, that understanding that He was there and I was no longer afraid. 5 hours later I woke up with 39 staples, a 16 inch incision from my breast bone to my pelvic, the knowledge that my specialist had to remove ALL of my organs that were masked out of my body for a few minutes – creepy - no left ovary and had “birthed” a 4 lb cyst that got me in an article in the Medical Journal – Whoopee! But I was alive. But I was also angry. The memory of that vision/visit from my youth was fresh on my mind and I remember that first week, looking down at the Frankenstein-esque metal and thinking “yep, I hate You right now.” The first weeks of recovery were not at all fun – my sweet sister had to endure my anger, my tears and my frustration. It was a hard recovery, a difficult transition and the best definition of a true trial that I had ever encountered up to that point.

I had hope that the single ovary on my right side could be fine for conception. Checkups were many, follow-ups and blood work became words I truly despised, but the overall goal was to have a baby in the end. We had to wait around 6 months before truly trying to conceive again. The right ovary took its time getting back to rights. We tried, and tried and tried. Then we took a break – we decided to not drive ourselves nuts so we gave it all to God. 2009 passed, then 2010, and then in 2011 I realized that there seemed to still be some issues. After speaking with my OB/GYN (the specialist God sent me when I lost the first ovary had graciously become my doctor and I had become her most interesting patient) we decided to do a D&C. So there I went, into another operating room for a standard procedure that women have every day. It was at the middle of November, my doctor sent off her sample and Thanksgiving was upon us. When you go to Camden, more specifically to my parents, it means you are agreeing to no cell service for the holiday. I was okay with that. J

However, my doctor was trying to find me. Desperately. She left me no less than 8 messages. When we returned the Sunday after the holiday I was beyond curious as to what was going on. Stupidly, I did not call her back until Wednesday. She told me to come in immediately, she would work me in. I was nervous, but not scared…not yet.

She sat me down and when she teared up fear crept in. I hadn’t told M to come with me. It was just me and her. She told me that her findings had given her something she suspected – a thickly lined uterus – but there was something else. She found Endometrial Hyperplasia Complex with Atypia Stage 3. That afternoon I not only had an OBGYN but I was scheduled to meet an Oncologist at the Bruno Cancer Center in Birmingham, the following week – the 7^th – the day before M’s birthday. The oncologist would be my second opinion and if the cancerous cells were verified – he would be my cancer doctor.

I remember calling mom – she was calm, but I know she was immediately googling, asking her resident doctor and nurses the minute we hung up. It’s okay, I did the same when I got back home. I cried too. I cried a lot in that small drive home. I cried when I saw M. He held me and said everything was going be okay.

The next month is still at times a blur. The first meeting and pathology confirmed our doctors’ fears. Our Oncologist, Dr. B, wanted to do surgery the following week – I was set up for a hysterectomy with a full lymph node scope (upper thighs and below the breasts) – we asked if we could wait at least until after Christmas. He agreed, he was so torn about removing my remaining ovary – at 30 I would have little to no hormone production and the long term effects made him wary. He said if everything looked good, he would do a partial hysterectomy leaving the ovary…December 28^th – everything wasn’t good. The ovary was enlarged and I woke up in recovery at St. Vincent’s with a Total Hysterectomy. The idea of conception had already left me 21 days earlier, but now Menopause loomed at 30 and reality swept in.  It was 7 days post surgery when I got the good news – they had removed all the cancer and I would not need radiation therapy. Life was blissful in those seconds. The recovery was another hit to my system and the following year brought all kinds of new bodily changes.

M was beyond amazing through everything. We had a discussion that day after confirming the cancer cells in Birmingham and that first initial meeting at the cancer center. I told him I understood if he wanted out – if he wanted the opportunity to have children with someone I would never hold it against him. I cried, begged him to think it through and my loving husband sat in front of me at The Tavern, held my hand and shook his head. He was in this from the beginning because he loves me, he had no intention of leaving me and that no matter what we would make it through this and God would be there for us every step of the way. I’ve loved him since I was 16 but in that moment I saw love for the first time; it was all over his face, in the way he held my hand and in the look he continued to give me as we ate. Then the surgery came, recovery came, crazy swings of menopause, insomnia, neuropathy and the idiosyncrasies of Courtney engulfed our life.  He still smiled, still held my hand and I still saw that look of utter love – he amazes me every day and I am so thankful for his strength. We are a team. Marriage is not something that just easily happens, you build it, you work on it daily and you make it the most important portion of who you are. I am grateful every day that God saw us way before we saw each other and that He continues to guide us daily.

During all of this, during all the years since 2008 life was still circling all around us, we welcomed Kristin “The Duchess” (M’s niece) into our home and got a good taste of parenting a teenager. She has been a blessing in our life and we love her so much. She came to us in 2010 and we have enjoyed watching her go from 16 year old young girl to the 20 year old woman she is today. Her journey is just beginning and she is holding her own. We know that had we been able to conceive in 2008 that we would not have been able to take The Duchess into our home in 2010.

It all circles back to that first vision, first discussion with God. He knew the path in front of us, he knew that the Duchess was in our future, that we would need to have open hearts for different paths and Heknew that we would face our trials head on, accepting life with each passing day. He had more faith in me than I had in Him at the time. Now when I look back at the moments His presence filled me: 4 surgeries (laparotomy, D&C, hysterectomy & a random appendectomy), each recovery, sitting in the Bruno cancer center waiting for my oncologist to tell me “I rarely ever get to tell my patients this news: you are now cancer free.” and the moment I woke up in January of this year, on a Sunday, lying in bed, overcome with the deepest, strongest yearning to see M as a dad, to hear the word ‘mom’ and know it was meant for me, and to see the laughter in our child’s eyes as they run in the yard with the dogs...and on that morning 19 years ago after spending all night talking…He fills me. He surrounds me daily, blesses me always, loves me unconditionally and reminds me often that this life is not an easy one but it is worth every moment…thankfully I don’t think He will make me wait seventy years….

"For thus says the LORD, 'When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. 11'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.…” Jeremiah 29:11

Updates + a Big Family Announcement

Hey Everybody! *waves frantically*

It is definitely been too long, too much time, too much happening around here for me to have slipped away since…well…since a little while ago.

SOOOO many things going on around here.

We’ll start right about:

The Duchess is home for the summer – searching desperately for a summer job. She is definitely excited that classes are over, I just hope she realizes that this next year will be even more important than the last. The pressure will continue and intensify as her college career grows.

The King (aka Stable Boy) has been working his tail off (literally). He’s gotten dedicated to daily gym trips, cleaning up our garage (which honestly is like some crazy Hydra – clean one area and another messy one appears times two…) and staying busy with his dayjob. He works in construction so warmer weather means more jobs – always a good thing.

The furbaby Prince’s are precious as ever. Snickers is creeping up on his 1^st birthday and Peanut Butter is still crossing his fingers that his little brother is temporary…sorry Nutter.

I’m working on more art and more writing. I entered an art show in my home town and pleasantly surprised myself by placing – it truly is an honor. It was quite nerve wracking. It’s been since High School that my hometown has seen any of my art…these people have known me since I first grabbed a sketchpad and they are always there for me, they are important to me. I never want to let them down or fail them – they are family. The judge however is from another state – no connection whatsoever and is a highly accomplished artist – the fact that he loved it enough to award me second place…makes him a new favorite of mine ;o)

Oh and one more thing…..

WE ARE ADOPTING!!!!!!!!

Yep. We are. We are in the VERY beginning stage of applications, scheduling home studies and getting sooo excited about this step in our lives. It is only through the blessings of God that we are able to begin this process and it will only be through Him that we will see this process through. I cannot begin to express our excitement….There is so much to share and I plan on doing that ASAP! Look for my next entry to share our story of the whys? The with who? The process.

Please keep us in your thoughts, your prayers and send the best possible love to the universe…