I pulled the trigger & did not even know it was loaded...

Everyone has their trigger: that word or movement or item that brings a memory back so fresh. It almost always is unexpected, especially when that trigger knocks us back into moments that took us by surprise to begin with. Tonight I found myself packing an overnight bag, collecting some books, arranging my iPod and I wrote down the date on a CD I was burning for my sister… I am going to Atlanta this weekend to see Nina, Keith & the kids for Nina’s birthday. I am going by myself so that Marcus can get some work done, plus they are going to Camden for the Fourth so he will see everyone then. My hand shook when I set the pen down and I got so nauseated. I found myself just sitting there and it took a few moments to register…it was the date that did it. The last days of June…

A year ago I took the same trip. Packed the same bag – even some of the same clothes; I went by myself last year too. Last year Stacie met me in Atlanta on her way down to Camden. It was a great trip – we celebrated my sister’s birthday, ate some yummy food, the kids finished up swim team, Nina & I were bouncing off the walls ready for New York, I was excited about seeing them the upcoming Thursday for the Fourth. The repetition is eerie due to its repetition, but I realized a moment ago that last year I wrote a blog entry when I got back from Atlanta all about the weekend and the fun we had…that blog entry is the last entry I made until August 2nd – the day we should have been in New York. I did not make a single entry in July 2008.
2 weeks after the Atlanta trip I was screaming my head off and terrified out of my mind. For some reason that fear hit me tonight like a brick wall. I just sat down beside my bag and just cried. You would think I had watched the saddest movie or read a tear jerker book. I could not & still cannot stop the tears. For a minute I just was trying to quit sobbing. I cannot imagine what people go through when they are hit with the memory of a loss but for me this was a loss that for a second I could not explain the grieving, but that is what I have done for the last 30 minutes – grieve. I grieved for a part of me that I had not even realized had died. That part that had always been excited about unknown weeks ahead & adventures yet to come, but also that part of me that plans extensively. Marcus has noticed that when we plan a trip lately I don’t come home within three days with “travel book”. So far I have waited until the week we are to go on the trip to compile information. Fear of the unknown and fear that if I plan and put my heart into it the world will just rip the plans away.

It physically hurts to be afraid of the rest of the summer – yes ridiculous isn’t it, I am afraid of the upcoming weeks. Terrified of repetition. I even threw in an odd shirt in my bag just to really mess it all up :o) Laugh at the pitiful girl – trust me I have to. Sorry for a bummer type of entry but blogging is my personal therapy. This is a new thing for me. I mean I have my fears but the unknown has never really been one of them. I tend to run head first, thinking later about the unknown. But in the last year, I have been more cautious and have tried to be more self aware.
Anyway, tomorrow I drive. I loaded new songs to the iPod, I have my camera for new pictures, I may buy a few new clothing items this weekend or something, I just know that mixing it up a bit in even the littlest way will help. Here is to a great weekend and an amazing rest of summer. Hopefully the repetition will be the comforting kind and the unknown will be the extraordinary kind. :o)

Sleep - Eat - Swim - Eat- Swim - Sleep - Eat - Swim - Eat - Sleep.... ah summer.

We went South last weekend to Camden for Father's Day. We were quite tired when we arrived but some wonderful Chicken Salad on Croissants, fruit, fruit dip & chips were waiting for us... goodness it was so good we woke right up. Well we at least woke up enough to slip into the pool for a few hours. :o) The water was so warm it was like a huge hot tub set on just the right temperature. Mom, dad, Marcus & I just floated and talked. It was so nice. Saturday was a warm, cloudless day. The water was still warm but cool enough to be refreshing. By 9 a.m we were an hour in and stayed until around noon got out, ate, went back in, got out around 6, ate, went back in. Do you see the pattern here? lol.

We had so much fun. Eric, Mindy, Coy, Colton & Hannah all came down and the kids had fun playing in the pool. It is always so nice to see them. The boys are growing up so fast! Hannah is just a little doll. She is so sweet & really coming along with the swimming. They all asked if we would be there the 4th. It is a wonderful feeling being loved by your nieces & nephews. I never really had that type of relationship with my parents' siblings. My dad's were so much older than him & my mom's just were not close geographically. This time though, I get to spoil them rotten. I get excited every time I get to visit with them and sad when it is time for them to go.

The summer this year is a whole new kind of HOT. I mean what is the deal? Every day I walk to my car at lunch, every day I grimace at the temperature of 105, 111, even 121 last week that my car is at. Then as I try to enjoy my lunch the lowest it goes is 99. Dude, what is the deal???? It would not be so bad if say it were end of July or August, but um, middle of June? Way too hot, too early.

So as I type this I realize that there is still so much summer left. So many more days of sauna like heat and steamy afternoon storms; but there are also beach trips, volleyball games in the pool, sales, family gatherings, reunions, books to read, books to write, cool evenings inside, good food to eat... so the balance is quite in my favor. I hope your summer is a hot one with loads of entertainment. :)

Whirlwind weekends...

So we slipped away last weekend to see Robert & Ramona.

It was a lot of fun. A whirlwind, but a lot of fun. We needed the escape. Though we travel a great deal of the time we find that the trips aren't always 'relaxing'. This one was actually quite relaxing. We spent the day in Galveston at the beach on Saturday then that night we relaxed under the stars in a hot tub. It was quite nice.

We ate some Shrimp Kisses at Fish Tales on the beach - YUMMY!! Butterflied shrimp with a pepper cheese on top then wrapped in bacon.... oh yeah. :o)

By the way Robert & Ramona have pets... not a dog or cat.... birds. They have birds. Okay I love to see birds eating the food in my backyard that I put out. Nothing is cuter than a parrot on a tropical island... but these are birds that randomly land on your: shoulder, leg, arm, chair, table..or head. Yes I was the victim of Sugar's love for blonde hair.

Then Tazoo bit Marcus while I took a shower. No worries though Sugar decided she liked both of us. Tazoo stayed in the cage for most of the visit. It was very different. I have to say though Robert & Ramona are very taken with them & it is obvious the birds are quite fond of them as well. It is a cool set of pets, just different for us dog owners. :o)

Sunday we found time to do some shopping and I found an adorable dress and purse. LOVE THEM!!! Then we caught a plane & found ourselves back in T-town. What a crazy weekend!

Memorial Day... Pensacola Beach 2009

Oh we had a wonderful Memorial Day at Pensacola Beach. The first day was a bit sketchy high winds (like 20 mph gusts) and rain threatened to create a very enclosed weekend but by mid day the winds were becoming slower & the sun was glowing through the clouds. The waves though... wow! I am not sure I have ever seen the Gulf with such high crests! It was beautiful!

We sat on the beach and sunned a little then on Sunday everything was as it should be - GORGEOUS beach weather. Oh it was wonderful. Regan & Riley loved the easy access pool & hot tub.
The waves were calmer than the day before but also still very high. It was a yellow flag day so everyone hit the water carefully. It was clear - no jellyfish or seaweed - and cool. John (Mike & Rhonda's little boy) was buried in the sand. I don't mean like sitting down or lying down I mean standing up buried to his chest. It was hilarious. Eian dug the hole & dropped him in it. Then they just filled it in! Crazy.

Marcus & I were staying with Robert & Ramona at a beautiful home on the beach called the Tiki House. It was HUGE; fully equiped kitchen, gigantic living room, game room (big screen with a bunch of game systems) then a traditional game room (air hockey, pool, ping pong & foosball), private pool, hot tub, and fenced in back yard. It was awesome. There was 21 of us staying in the house. Ramona's family had come down from Utah, Kansas & Tennessee.
We had some wonderful cooks in the house & the meals were great. Marcus & I of course made time to head to Peg Leg Pete's... twice. :o) Rob, Regina & the girls stayed as well & we had some great times swimming, playing cards, ping pong, just relaxing. It really was a great time. I did somehow manage to NOT blister my face, shoulders & chest, but somehow DID blister my legs... very bizarre. It usually is a trial to get a good tan on my legs but for some reason Sunday's beach time gave me the red of a lobster. lol Today though it is a deep dark brown so I am happy - even though it was painful to get to this point.
We so wanted to stay and play in the sand for longer but our Nutter was in Camden & we missed him. So we headed to mom & dad's to get our baby & get home. Marcus developed a summer cold after the trip & we are still fighting through it - he also has given me the sniffles... darn him.

Oh & by the way.... TWILIGHT won 5 of their 6 nominated awards at the MTV movie awards on Sunday. But the MOST important part was the sneak peek of NEW MOON! If you are interested, scroll down a good ways and you will see the video player. Enjoy.